Friday (13/02)
After a week of hectic classes, TGIF got to goto church for part 2 of the Date Right session titled: Seasons.
This session had us split into -random- groups, which isn't that random since everyone still stuck to their own familiar group. Where we are asked to discuss and reply to a series of questions mainly about how to maintain a good relationship.
With questions like,
Why is it essential to address the issue of correct dating?
Why are there so many divorces?
How do you maintain a good relationship?
What Traits do you gain from being single?
I felt misplaced in the group mostly, although everyone has their own personal experiences and understanding about love and relationships. I find this emotionally heavy topic to both my weakness and my strength. Sigh.. not sure if these people are too mature, too immature, too independent or too heartless for the topic. Because one of the guy in my group just basically made fun throughout the topic.
Overall, the topic really just revolved around becoming a full circle.
About how instead of being half a circle, looking for another half circle. We should first become a full circle looking for a full circle. Because a relationship that last infinitely ∞ requires 2 circles
and also why wedding rings are bound by 2 circle rings instead of one. Despite the symbolic beliefs, the talk continued on about why we should become a full circle, to be the perfect person (which was discussed in part one of the Date Right topic) before engaging in a relationship with someone else. Because engaging in a relationship when you're not 100% requires loads of hard work. Oh and the speaker for the session also said a relationship led purely by emotions would be very bumpy.
All in all, it was a good session. Which I couldn't really get into. Because it somehow struck a nerve somewhere in me. Ouch. But the session ended with a very simple and familiar phrase: "Embrace each session" whether, you're in a brokenhearted season, a single season, a dating season, a dry season. They are all experiences we all go through to make us stronger.
After the session, my church leader sent me back to hostel. Along the way we discussed about the relationship thing. Not about the session directly but somehow we got into a topic about homosexuals, if we thought it was wrong and joked about it abit etc. etc. Honestly, I was feeling emotional after the session, but God knows I can't talk to my leader about relationship things. Guy just ain't empathetic enough to understand, plus his lifestyle and mine are like complete opposite. So I had to keep my composure along the way back to my room.
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Saturday (14/02)
Valentines Day!
woah~~ I received chocolates!
....
would be something I want to say, but would never get the chance to..
Anyway, how I dread this day.
Luckily it was on this day that I'm to fly back to my hometown. So I got up early, got into a leader's car who was to drop me off at the bus-stop to the airport. I pretty much spent V-Day on my phone and in an airport. Which is actually good, because I didn't have to see any lovey dovey couples that'd make my heart cringe. All I had was music, peace and quiet. Watching people come and go from the endless halls, while treating myself to a nice meal at McD.
Actually, the night before. After I got back to the hostel, I couldn't sleep and left a message to the speaker earlier. As I had questions that required answers and again questions that my leader would not be able to answer probably. And I was satisfied. To just confide in someone who could understand or response with a huge wall of texts about how to overcome my current dilemma;
The void within my heart that could never be filled.
Her deduction, reasoning and encouragement actually helped me figure out a few things. Things that I should already known but might have mentally shut out simply because they were too painful to think about. Closure... hah.
Despite feeling better, I still felt uneasy. It's not like God has any specific plan for me at the current moment. Every time I pray and ask, God goes;
"It is your choice, where ever you go, you will do great things."
blah, it's not like I don't know that. I'm not the type of person who lets the weight of the world stop me from doing anything. But I just wanted a proper answer to what I have to do. Yeah I know I can do good wherever I go, and yeah I adapt well to any surroundings. But aside from what I can do, I want to know what I can gain. I want to know the what I'd have at the endgame. I don't want to regret any decisions I make. To push myself for Love or Career or Dream or Religion. To stay, to go further, to go back. I need an answer. But none was ever given. and probably never will..
Even coming to study at this place was a complete spur of the moment when I just couldn't handle staying back at my hometown anymore. I needed to run, to get away, to forget. And maybe that's all I am. A runner, from reality. Dreamer, of a world that doesn't exist.
Often I find myself tear up over feeling empty and having lack of purpose. Its hard to have faith in life when you don't actually mind dying. And its actually not easy to be strong when you're always feeling lonely. I wish things would change, and although things did change... in the end I still only feel empty and alone. Last month when I met up with my ex, she actually asked me if i was still single, as did her mum. The fact that they actually think I shoudn't be single kinda hurt as I didn't want to be single either! but its not like I have a choice. Its not like a partner is easy to find, its not like I'd have the heart for it anymore too anyway.
It just felt unfair really.
Sometimes I wish I could just harden my heart and feel no more.
Valentine's day is just depressing.
