February Week 2: Friday the 13th & Valentine's Day

 Friday (13/02) 

After a week of hectic classes, TGIF got to goto church for part 2 of the Date Right session titled: Seasons. 

This session had us split into -random- groups, which isn't that random since everyone still stuck to their own familiar group. Where we are asked to discuss and reply to a series of questions mainly about how to maintain a good relationship. 

With questions like, 

Why is it essential to address the issue of correct dating? 

Why are there so many divorces?

How do you maintain a good relationship? 

What Traits do you gain from being single? 

I felt misplaced in the group mostly, although everyone has their own personal experiences and understanding about love and relationships. I find this emotionally heavy topic to both my weakness and my strength. Sigh.. not sure if these people are too mature, too immature, too independent or too heartless for the topic. Because one of the guy in my group just basically made fun throughout the topic. 

Overall, the topic really just revolved around becoming a full circle. 

About how instead of being half a circle, looking for another half circle. We should first become a full circle looking for a full circle. Because a relationship that last infinitely ∞ requires 2 circles 

and also why wedding rings are bound by 2 circle rings instead of one. Despite the symbolic beliefs, the talk continued on about why we should become a full circle, to be the perfect person (which was discussed in part one of the Date Right topic) before engaging in a relationship with someone else. Because engaging in a relationship when you're not 100% requires loads of hard work. Oh and the speaker for the session also said a relationship led purely by emotions would be very bumpy. 

All in all, it was a good session. Which I couldn't really get into. Because it somehow struck a nerve somewhere in me. Ouch. But the session ended with a very simple and familiar phrase: "Embrace each session" whether, you're in a brokenhearted season, a single season, a dating season, a dry season. They are all experiences we all go through to make us stronger. 

After the session, my church leader sent me back to hostel. Along the way we discussed about the relationship thing. Not about the session directly but somehow we got into a topic about homosexuals, if we thought it was wrong and joked about it abit etc. etc. Honestly, I was feeling emotional after the session, but God knows I can't talk to my leader about relationship things. Guy just ain't empathetic enough to understand, plus his lifestyle and mine are like complete opposite. So I had to keep my composure along the way back to my room.

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 Saturday (14/02)

Valentines Day! 

woah~~ I received chocolates! 

....

would be something I want to say, but would never get the chance to..

Anyway, how I dread this day. 

Luckily it was on this day that I'm to fly back to my hometown. So I got up early, got into a leader's car who was to drop me off at the bus-stop to the airport. I pretty much spent V-Day on my phone and in an airport. Which is actually good, because I didn't have to see any lovey dovey couples that'd make my heart cringe. All I had was music, peace and quiet. Watching people come and go from the endless halls, while treating myself to a nice meal at McD. 

Actually, the night before. After I got back to the hostel, I couldn't sleep and left a message to the speaker earlier.  As I had questions that required answers and again questions that my leader would not be able to answer probably. And I was satisfied. To just confide in someone who could understand or response with a huge wall of texts about how to overcome my current dilemma;

The void within my heart that could never be filled. 

Her deduction, reasoning and encouragement actually helped me figure out a few things. Things that I should already known but might have mentally shut out simply because they were too painful to think about. Closure... hah. 

Despite feeling better, I still felt uneasy. It's not like God has any specific plan for me at the current moment. Every time I pray and ask, God goes;

"It is your choice, where ever you go, you will do great things." 

blah, it's not like I don't know that. I'm not the type of person who lets the weight of the world stop me from doing anything. But I just wanted a proper answer to what I have to do. Yeah I know I can do good wherever I go, and yeah I adapt well to any surroundings. But aside from what I can do, I want to know what I can gain. I want to know the what I'd have at the endgame. I don't want to regret any decisions I make. To push myself for Love or Career or Dream or Religion. To stay, to go further, to go back. I need an answer. But none was ever given. and probably never will..

Even coming to study at this place was a complete spur of the moment when I just couldn't handle staying back at my hometown anymore. I needed to run, to get away, to forget. And maybe that's all I am. A runner, from reality. Dreamer, of a world that doesn't exist.

Often I find myself tear up over feeling empty and having lack of purpose. Its hard to have faith in life when you don't actually mind dying. And its actually not easy to be strong when you're always feeling lonely. I wish things would change, and although things did change... in the end I still only feel empty and alone. Last month when I met up with my ex, she actually asked me if i was still single, as did her mum. The fact that they actually think I shoudn't be single kinda hurt as I didn't want to be single either! but its not like I have a choice. Its not like a partner is easy to find, its not like I'd have the heart for it anymore too anyway. 

It just felt unfair really. 

Sometimes I wish I could just harden my heart and feel no more. 

Valentine's day is just depressing. 

Meaning of Life

So the meaning to life is to just live it. Yeah, i know its the worse meaning ever.
But i get it now, there's nothing.. completely nothing at all!
I mean really, what would you do if you were to die now and find out that there's no other side,
There's only darkness. pure darkness. with you feeling yourself drift away into nothingness.
Vanish completely without a trace of existence, and within coming days be completely wiped from the world.
Completely and utterly forgotten, just another gravestone in the field where no one weeps for.
That's it, that is all there is. There's no remedy nor cure nor magic or witchcraft that could stop the coming end. No object to fill the emptiness of such a dreaded fate.
There's nothing, there's only the silence of death. Pure Silence.
No voice. No sound. No soul. Just a passing energy within the void we call earth.
Sure, you can fight for your life. I mean that's probably the only way to go.

Since there's nothing else, that's all there is. To fight, to find, to create immortality.
To be able to be remembered after death, to be written down throughout the years of history.
It doesn't matter if the contents are good or evil. Surely these moralities are irrelevant in the void of death.
And it goes without saying that this world and its temptations are but illusions we give ourselves.
All simply because we corrupt one another into believing that life is about pleasure and pain, redemption and suffering, love and hate, compassion and anger.
Refusing.. denying that the fact of the matter is.. at the end, there is only death.
We write, we crave, we feel, we hope, we breath and we wish for immortality to be given to us.
No matter how flawed or horrible it may be, we crave to be undying.
For all the fears of a human beings are linked to death.
Even the suicidal ones are but doing it in fear of death.
its inevitable. Its life. And life leads to death, nothing more, nothing less.
we lie, we cheat, and we pray. But there's nothing there.
The world is just a hollow shell.
Empty... utterly empty..
There is no real meaning to life, its just a passing moment.
Like a puddle dried up by the sun, so shall our life be delivered unto death.
Breath in and breath out. A passing energy, a passing wind. That's all there is, that final breath..
The breath of death that lingers, without a host or body,
Death remains eternal while life remains hollow.