I meant it when I said..

I havent been sleeping well lately.

Feel like I'm being haunted by my thoughts heh..

For the past 2 weeks I've been killing myself over the Ayuko's passing.

but how can I not? :(

It's been 2months and the wounds have not healed.

She was the type of girl that would never betray another.

She was probably the type of girl I've wanted all along,

faithful, adventurous, kind, playful, loving, supportive and independent

we share pretty much all the same things,

fav animal being cats, fav color purple, etc. etc.

I was the person who made her fairytale fantasy a reality

but she was the person who made my love-life fantasy possible.

sadly, the fantasy was short-lived..

but I nothing I've done in my life was as meaningful
as the time I've spent with her.

Sure, it was a long-distance relationship, but to have it reach the height it did.

I thought maybe it would last forever. but.. it didn't..

and over the past 2months I haven't been to church
except on Sundays,even then I don't feel anything.

see, during the time she was ill. I spend most of my days praying and stuff.

but the ending, there was no miracles.

How can God, who is said to be loving and merciful take such a pure and innocent person?

...she was happy when she passed on.

She couldn't bare seeing her family in pain,
nor could she continue living in pain.

I've never met a person more pure or strong as her.

I don't know if it was due to the sickness
or because it's just the way she is,but I fell in love with her.

It pains me to know that maybe 40% of the people on this planet doesn't deserve their long-life as she deserved hers. Even I don't deserve this life.

I mean, I've looked for death before, its clear that I don't value my life much.

I've been blaming myself and beating myself up
cos I feel like I could've done more.

or how much better it could have ended but it didn't.

now I'm just a complete mess..
and its probably an emotion no one else can ever understand :\

sigh..