Clockworks

I'm still threading on a path that leads to places unseen.
Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days.
I'm lost in a world where time seems to pass so slow.

The uneasy feeling of someone is watching me.
like there's a shadow outside my windows.
hearing whispers of words i cannot comprehend.
I scream my silent screams throughout the night,
asking for an answer, a path.. a reason.
A reason for this life that was given me.
But again to no avail, no answers were given.
It would seems that I'm nothing more than entertainment to a higher power,
who has yet to give and perhaps never will give meaning to my life.

Oh how I wish the end days would arrive soon..
to see fire and brimstone fall upon the earth,
I've completely fallen away from God, I fear.
I'm a sinner with thoughts that stretches throughout the genres of all 7 sins..
Well.. 6 sins.. for I feel no greed. I just don't see the point of such earthly things.
However, I lust for power. I'm hungry for attention.
I envy the wicked and the good, I want destruction I want war.
My ego is at a point where I no longer feel obliged to care for those around me.
It's as though all the people around me have lost their values.
they perspective, their thoughts, their tiny little plans for their tiny little life..
I care no more, I tire of the selfish ways of everyone around me.
Hypocrites they are, every last one of them.

21 years I've waited, 21 long years.. for a meaning, a reason, a truth.
and I have perhaps another 40? 50? 60? 80? more years of life to go..
am I to continue waiting through out these long years?
for no reason at all.. I wait, waiting for something to just come and tell me what my purpose in life is.
But I'm tired, soo tired.. 21 almost 22 years have passed..
and I've yet to see any sign or reason for this planet for the human race.
I've held out soo long because I've seen the good in people for a time.
but it has degraded.. the entire human race has degraded and some devolved.

through living this daily life, I've seen, I've heard..
I've felt more hatred than I've ever felt before.
I just cant see the good in people anymore.
I cant see the good in anything.
I fear, I've gone insane through days/months without company..
yet its in these lonely days that I've found.. knowledge.
and like how the clockworks ticks, so does my heart beat beats.
without feelings or thinking too deep, it'll stop beating its rhythmic tick-tock-tick.

Memories Of You

------------emotional breakdown------------

我知道你是怎么想的 

但是浪费太多时间可以失去了很多机会，使和平.

我真不希望我们永远有这种差距, 

如果我现在离开了，我永远不会回来了.

但...

没关系了. 

对不起，我永远也不能修复我带给你的痛苦.. 的伤口.

我所想要的只是让你快乐.. 为了你，我愿意做任何事.

也许 我从来没有清楚地表达我的感受.

也许 我们的爱情只是一个无望的梦想

也许, 我应该怜悯你不理解我是多么爱你..

或许, 我们太认识对方, 已经知道 对方与别人 可以有更好的生..

希望 你可以找到你自己的幸福快乐.

谢谢你  给了我许多美好的纪念

.. 我再也不会讲出这段感情了.

也许在另一个平行时空里，我们是在一起的。 

(quote from: 那些年，我們一起追的女孩)

真可悲, 不是在这一个时空里..

21...

So.. my 21st birthday..

Growing up... growing older.. I come to realize who I am.
I've met people, good people, awesome people, amazing people, friends, brothers, sisters, disciples and masters. People who've given me hopes, and people who caused utter disappointments.
People who hurt and people who heal. People who leaves and people that stays.
On the hour when I was asleep on my birthday~

I cried, for I realized as far as my memory can go back, I've never had a birthday will a full family before.
And I know I never will, perhaps someday when I have my own family I would.
At the moment of my wake,

I found my resolve. I found myself. I realize that in Life, people simply don't get happy endings.
Life just isn't going to be easy and people will always disappoint.
I've completely and utterly given up on the people around me.

A day of celebration? sure.. a celebration of my enlightenment.
To Live is to adapt~ to grow~
I've given up on hope, I've given up on dreams.
All I have is a goal..
A goal to run~ to leave this place~~
To leave it all behind~ A goal I will achieve even if I was to be the death of me.
F*ck everything and everyone.
I don't need anything or anyone. I just need to push myself towards the ending I desire.
I'm tired of being neglected, tired of being disappointed.

Everyone get disappointed... just as everyone will disappoint others.
this is the way humans are~ pure disappointments~
We disappoint God, we disappoint people, animals, country, land, sea, air~
The whole Universe are disappointed by the way we humans have lived..
So I've decided to pay no more heed to such feelings anymore.

I'm tired of feeling anymore~~
And at some point I think maybe I don't even feel anything anymore..
My heart is beating, but it feels dead..
Probably a sign that I'm growing up eh?
Probably this is the reason why, many adults dont show their emotions..
Because they no longer have any..

I'm tired of everything..
This is the end.
"Good guys dont get happy endings."
So I have to make my own ending.. and on this journey I shall make the best of it.
No matter what comes my way, I'd overcome it my way.
This is my resolve. This is the start.

Happy 21st Birthday to me!
May all my past be forgotten and start of a new age begin~ 

Disappointing..

"In the hearts of the blind, something you'll never find is a vision of light."


So.. again I haven't been blogging in a while.. ahaha but I always come back..

This place of solace & solitude.
Behind every word is a story that no one can comprehend.
I haven't done anything productive in a while now.
I'm going to start my internship in March..
Then i'd be free and awaiting graduation.
so now.. i'm just gonna start rambling about life.



----------------Part1----------------

I hate how fast time flies,
I wanna go back, way back in time to a time where life isn't soo complicated.
But alas, such wishes are impossible within this world's reality... or is it?

In the end,
all I have left is this wanting, this.. desire.
I want to be someone new, I want to meet someone new, I want to goto a secret place, I want to have adventure and excitement, I want to die and be born again, I WANT a reset button for my life.

It's funny how as we grow we learn, but what we learn would never be applicable again.
Like if we did something that hurt us and we learned how to overcome it, it never happens again.
Because our self-conscious is having us never to enter such situations again.
What then are these experiences for?

To be perfectly honest, I don't even know what is there to live for?
or what anyone is living for. Or the whole point of being alive at all.
Everyone in the world is always looking for the divine meaning of their lives.
Is there a meaning? is there an answer?
I doubt it.

Religion? friends? career? achievements? goals?
what does any of this adds up to in the end?
Death. There is only death at the end.

What's the point of living?
The journey itself is the point of living, to experience all forms of highs and lows.
All the pain and suffering and the joyous moments.

Is that it? is that all? just for the mere experience of being alive?
I thought they'd be more.. there has to be more..

But there doesn't seem to be anymore,
This seems to be all life is... just an experience.


Personally, I feel that living a life, not worth it at all..
& what's worse is that half the people living in this world are making life even less worth living for.
Oh how the mighty has fallen. People grow weaker & darker each passing day.

What hope is there left in the human race?
If this is how life is gonna be, then its all it'll ever be...
It is what humans make it to be... life is a disappointment..

I guess it's time for me to stop lazing and questioning such meaningless questions.
And just put myself out there and burst into the crowd with new ideas and confidence..
ahaha probably not... no not me..

I'll just continue to observe and see how these people around me choose to live for now.
It's often entertaining to see how people make choices and meet the consequences of their actions.

As it is entertaining to know that they'll all regret it one day,
and they'll start realizing that life could have been better if they'd known how to lived it properly.



----------------Part2----------------

Tortured minds, tortured bodies, tortured souls.. that's all that's left of humans.

It would appear that I've found my own form of enlightenment..
Not in light nor in darkness but in knowledge and understanding.
aha... but perhaps not everyone would view my thoughts as such..


I truly wonder.. Will there ever be anything that'd excite me in my life..?
& Oh how I hope I live to see this world evolve..

Aliens? Zombies? Demons? Angels?
Robots? Solar Flares? Ragnarok? Apocalypse? Armageddon?

The end of the world...?

Aha.. I think it's in everyone's minds to believe that the end will come.
As life is just soo meaningless to be lived now..
All that's left in the minds of men is death of the world..
The more they believed, the higher chance it is of it become reality..

Like how Black Magic works with believes of the souls and minds..
Like how Chi is a believe and mindset of the monks & martial artists that channels it in their souls..
Like how believers cry in the intense atmosphere of a holy ground.
Like how with just a focus of the mind a person can bend spoons and forks.
The human mind & soul is the power beyond this world..
The gateway to an alternate reality.

Oh.. how did human race ended up using their minds to create meaningless things.
and believe in the end of life, out of all things..
Too bad... it's soo sad...
Just how low has the human race gotten within the last few hundred years?
If any of the people from the 18th - 19th century were to see us now..
They'd be looking at us with such disgust..

Humans discovered fire within the early stages of the world..
To look back and think that, the people of the past created..

Fire - Light - Electricity - Communication - Travel - Weapons - and all forms of technology..
To the point where.. all we're doing now is creating new versions of old things?

Oh gawd! how corrupted are the minds of humans now..
How can the human race that once took on the impossibility of this world and make it reality.
Come to being.. an update of softwares and phones?
Why is there no teleportation, no power suits, no cure for cancer..?
is there no longer any creativity left in the minds of men?
is this how the world is to end?

It'd be tragic..
truly tragic for the world to end at the time when the human race are at their lowest form.
In my eyes, i see.. how the world.. society and the evil hearts of the human race,
has completely and utterly destroyed and removed any hope of evolution in themselves.

There's nothing left... nothing left in anyone of us..
How cruel a fate it is.. for me to have been born in a time when my beliefs and creativity would not be recognized nor understood by my peers...

Sickening it is....
dreadfully sickening..

The Cycle

So its been a long time since I last posted.
Been extremely busy finishing up my final and the exhibition thingy.
but with all the time spent breaking my skull for ideas, it wasn't without its rewards.
I guess through experiences like this is when I realize how strong I can be individually.
Independent Design Practice, definitely thought me how to be more independent.
Although my final work was still lagging in areas, it was good enough for me.
I got to really connect with myself, reflect on the people around me.
and found out where my creativity lies.
I can just feel my soul slowly crawling its way back into the dark abyss,
Where all these imaginations were born in me..

When I was doing my final, i broke down.. alot of times.
unsure of what i'm living for, or what was the point of me finishing my studies.
or where my future lies, or if this would be my future.
reflecting on the friends I've made in this course.
and finally letting go of it all.
The past 2 years, I've lived my life as distant from people as I possibly can.
I'm not good at farewells, I'll just tell you goodbye or leave without saying a word.
I'm tired of thinking, talking, feeling..
Everything just feels so out of place for me..
Nothing ever goes the way it should,
how much simpler life would be if it did.

But upon finishing my final, I took refuge in the circle of friends.
But alas, through all the pain and depression I've went through the past 2 months.
I finally found myself. A person I once lost. A person I once was.
A person I've grown to become.

I choose Solitude.The endless joy of Isolation.
feel no more of the world around me.
numb is my heart that I choose nothing more.
nevermore. forevermore. nevermore.
I choose to forget and to be forgotten.
forevermore, evermore. nevermore.
living like a shadow in the night of spring.
I will be the one, the immortal one.
the one that will live forevermore.

For your hatred and jealousy

Your childish behaviors remind me of me.. when i was like 13.. 

but you're a person reaching adulthood. 

You're a little too old to be going through this phrase aren't you? 

---------------------------------------------------------------

The person who was hurt, and feels the unfairness of the world. 

& then begins hurting and spreading rumors about those around her.

Out of jealousy, out of hate.

No matter how you look at it. 

To have such a break down at this age, would render you cold and alone. 

& the reality of it all will come crashing down on you, destroying you completely.

Your choices have been poor. & your thoughts are corrupted. 

You believe you deserve better, 

believe that a prince on a white horse will take you away. 

Hoping for someone, anyone to take you away from this place. 

But, my dear, a happy ending is not one beliefs can get you. 

It must be earned through hardship and sacrifice. 

Not jealousy nor selfishness. 

The life of an attention-seeker. 

The life on a hopeless patch.

The life that would ultimately lead you to ruin.

This is how the world works. 

Reality bites and it will never let go. 

You better be ready for it ;)

---------------------------------------------------------------

It's actually kind of funny how you can get jealous of those who has friends.
and even funnier when you're spreading rumors but there is one being said about you.
Opps, your believe has betrayed you. and aiming me?
honestly, fine~ maybe i never cared about you enough as a friend.

I know you're hurt, i know you seek comfort. I know you dream of a happy ending.
But all you feel is sadness and depression. One which you drown out with everything you do.
You know you've changed when you were hurt by your ex. 

but I never did anything to you and there wasn't anything I could do to help you either.
but for you to feel the jealousy you feel, just because I hang out with my own friends.
Wow... just wow~ you've made me speechless beyond words.

This is the only time i'll feed your attention seeking. & my advice is,

1. Stay clear of me if you don't want any trouble.

2. This path you're on will destroy whatever chance of a future you still hope to have.

You better start choosing a better one, before you're destroyed.
3. Whatever goes around comes around, watch what you do, cos' it's slowing coming back around.
And the butterfly effect that it'll have,
will cause you pain a million times more than your heart can ever hope to handle.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Seasons come and seasons go...

I feel like I've been stuck in a hole the last few days..
I haven't done anything productive and not sure why..
and I guess I've been feeling emotional and having too many thoughts running through my head.
I need an escape or at least a day to reduce the stress level abit..

Well anyway,
Been chatting with my beloved blurfriend the last couple of days.
I missed her soo muchie! though we still cant meet up anytime soon :(
Still its nice to chat with someone who has the similar taste in movie, songs and style i do. :)
You know, chatting about the whole vintage style with indie music and romance movies thingy..

Other than that...
Seriously, I haven't done anything productive..
Feel like I'm just wasting my life away~
and i'm barely even sure if I can do my final assignment.
the stress doesn't make graduating seem worth it.. lol.
I'm also wondering if I wanna go to Prom night..
but then I wont have anyone to go with,
and it might be awkward o.O hmm..
.
I should probably just shoot myself...
now.. if only I had a gun~~ :X
I need out... ASAP..

Tired Of Living Like A Blind Man~

My latest update is simple:

Arghhh~ frustrated with my final assignment :(

also.. i'm supposed to have class today, but it was cancelled without notice..

Now I'm trying to look for ideas on what to do for my final,

but am still unable to find any.

SO overall.. i'm just really stressed.. :(

I wish time could just stop a while... and let me catch my breath..

In the past few days,

I've been spam listening to the album by the new group delta rae..

lol I love their songs and their vocals.

And in a way it calms my mood :)

Displacement . Disappearance . Development

Picture taken from I'm Dreamin' It Facebook page.

The more you like yourself, the less you're like anyone else, which makes you unique. - Walt Disney


.:Displacement:.

I've displace my life from something i know and love, To something i should never had cared about. A lot of time has passed since I last felt alive. And the experiences I've had along the way pushed me back to my roots. I am what I am. I've lost myself, but now I'm found anew. I've wandered lost for so long, Only to find the displacement of me and my old self was but a step away. I'm tired of hoping, tired of waiting, tired of wishing, tired of dreaming, tired of being everything I am.

.:Disappearance:.

On the verge of letting go of everything that's holding me back and down. I've come to realize the reason behind my demise. A compassionate heart. A weakness of mine that has caused more harm than good. Love. Why do you love someone who've hurt and rejected you? Or why are you still willing to try your best despite the pain? A mystery that can never be solved. A feeling that is often taken for granted. A heart as broken as mine can never be fixed... And now I feel as though, I don't want it to be.

Nobody cares, nobody notices, when it comes right down to it... I'm alone...And within the shards of my broken heart, I cast out all the pain, suffering, feelings, emotions, love, hate... Wishing for it all to disappear and to never be found. I've been hurt enough for one lifetime. I wish only peace of which only solitude can offer me. This is the conclusion that has been shown to me.... Before anyone notices, I'll be gone forever.

.:Development:.

The end of me. A process by which I will be reborn into something stronger. What I've learned from past experience, is no one is gonna care if you give up on yourself. Especially if you've given up on yourself, but not on them. By which has showed me truth and enlightenment. Giving up on myself isn't gonna change anything. The world will still suck and will still remain in its broken state. There is nothing saving this world from its end.

Caring about those around you, isn't gonna make any difference. It hurts really, to know that everything I've done is equivalent to nothing. Oh how weak the human mind is, to forget the good that has been given to them. Same case with me, i suppose. By which is something I don't want anymore. I don't want to love anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. But instead of giving up on myself. I'm giving up on you and everyone else in this world.

I've tried my best to find a reason to life, a meaning for my existence, and I found none. There is nothing, and if I died now it'd be but a small tiny little speck of sadness within this already broken world, after a week and no one would care anymore. The human race has degraded itself to the point of no return, a point that would destroy everything. And with how everyone on earth is like right now, I've found no reason to be me anymore. Crawling my way back into my shell. I shall reform myself into a monster that feels nothing. I loved this world and everything in it, but it just isn't worth it.. I give up.

I'm Suffocating

I'm my own worse enemy~

I'm feeling horrible :\ worse than horrible in fact.
ahahaha.. I feel alone.. oh soo alone..

Yes, I'm alone by choice.
I don't want to get hurt anymore..
Its a decision I've made cos' I've been hurt by people enough this year.
I know its just half the year, but I've been hurt wayy too much already.
and no one even cares much anyway.
Those that do care are too far away from me to help.

Gawd, I cant wait to leave this heartless place behind ... :\
I've GIVEN UP... cos there's nothing left for me..
Right now my life is like extremely emotional.
I feel like jumping off a cliff the moment I find a cliff that's high enough to kill me.
Hmm.. I remember I use to be emotional like this..
Its been a long time .__.
And now I've come right around in a full circle back to point 1 of emotionality.
I gotta say, it bites just as much as it did 7years ago.

I've taken a chance in a more positive life, lived my life in a slightly brighter light.
Crawling in the grey area.. but after everything..
I feel the way I felt back then, people are overrated, all they do is hurt, cheat, leave, lie.
As if it means anything in the end.. what happens at the end of their life?
regret? perhaps disappointment or self-hatred? whatever the case...
I've clawed my way back into the embrace of darkness..
For how long will I stay? I do not know..
But if I can make it through these dark days by the time of opportunity,
I'm sure things will get better... probably..

But if things were to get worse before then...
I dare not think of it... :|

Shadows has overtaken me...

I just want to shut my eyes and drift away...



Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

Shut your eyes, I spin the big chair
And you'll feel dizzy, light, and free
And falling gently on the cushion
You can come and sing to me

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

(Shut your eyes [x4])

Shut your eyes and sing to me (Shut your eyes and sing to me) [x4]

Incapability

Uhmm I've been well.. over-thinking.. as always.
"Incapability" is the word :)

A long time ago, I wondered about all the worse case scenario if a relationship.
First, would be being in love with a sick girl. I'd do my best to visit her everyday.
Let her experience everything in life, and make her happy...
Remember my post last time about feeling horrible about Ayuko's death..
yeah.. that feeling still remains of course..
As well as the lingering feeling of Incapability..
As I wasn't even able to be there for her, I couldn't even be there for her funeral..
yeah.. :|

Another worse case scenario would be
falling in love with a pregnant girl who doesnt have a husband.
well, if I was in love with her, i'd support her n her family without a doubt. :)
even if she isn't ready for a relationship or whatever that'd be what i'd do.
My friend is going through a similar situation, I wish I could do something.
But I incapable...
knowing the problem, knowing what to do is one thing.
But to have the materials and funds to do it is another .__.
At times I wish I was born into a rich family, to stop seeing people going through such hard fates.
But I wasnt born rich... :(

In a relationship,
She deserves someone who can make her happy and give her a happy life.
As well as one who can provide for her and her family.
And make her smile everyday without a doubt.

But again, I'm Incapable.
This world is too materialistic for the likes of a lover like me .__.

I wish I could be there to hug you and tell you that everything is alright.
That you can let it go, let everything go
and just let the tears fall and disappear forever.
To allow you to be free from the sadness and emptiness.
To show you how true love really is like, without the sad depression.
To be the guide you wish for soo dearly.
But, I'm incapable of it... I'll be leaving soon :|

I guess at some point I've made my choice that my dream of leaving.
The choice to press the reset button on my life,
is more important than giving everything I am to a relationship.
I've not felt happy in a long time. And don't think I will anytime soon.
I just want to stop loving for now.. I cant handle the pain..

I'm emotional, spiritual, forgiving, self-less, faster, stronger, smarter, creative, hardworking and overall good in everything I want to be good in..
My goal in life is to reach as close to PERFECT as I possibly can..
I may not be rich, but i'm still one of the best person anyone could ever find.
I may be incapable of giving a lover everything she wants,
but I'll be the person to give her everything she needs..

I only wonder now if there is anyone out there for me .__.
Alas.. I'm incapable of seeing the future..

I fear, my goal for perfection would leave me a bachelor forever..
Often I wonder, would that be soo bad? :\

ahaha~ one of my friend told me that, she'd prefer me to be in love than single forever.
I asked her why, she said she just does..

To be honest, I do too.. I miss having someone to hold/someone to hold me.
Unless love is something as simple as emotions, feelings, desires, gift of chocolates and roses..
I dont see how I can fit in to it now...

Now.. all i see that maintains a relationship mainly... is money..
The world today is of such insecurity and incapability of loving until no matter what you do..
There isn't any love left.. No one love like they should anymore.
It isn't real... how can I be with someone who isnt a true lover?
Simple, I cant. But how does one differentiate a true lover from a fake one?
it isn't possible. The incapability of seeing a person's true form, is scary...
It doesnt provide happiness nor fulfillment like a relationship is suppose to....

I may not be capable of being perfectly nice and rich at the same time.
But I'm definitely capable of loving with my whole heart, are you?

060612

Happy birthday to me :)
It was my birthday uhmm yesterday.. ahaha June 6th :)
I'm officially no longer a teen! :( I feel old..

Uhmm i didn't celebrated :( as always..
Every year, when i want to celebrate something bad happens.. sigh!
Tis' year i was planning to go out for Snow White & The Huntsman with my friends.
But it was cancelled cos my friend's car got knocked by a policeman

Yes, a policeman got into an accident with him.. although its a small accident..
just a small dent in the bumper.. but that guy, being a policeman needed to follow protocol. etc. etc.
Uhmm he looked more sad than anything else. me n my friends agreed that he's probably sad cos he's gonna get ban from using anymore police vehicles :\ hmm..

So yeah... my plan for movie was cancelled cos of that.. sigh!
I received a total of 81 Birthday wishes on fb and sms :)
Comparing that to the 200++ i got on fb a few years back..
I prefer the ones i got this year.. cos 90% of the 81 are from people who are really close to me :)
Its the result of clearing my 1000+ fb friends
to just the 400+ people that i actually know and care about.

I guess my bday wasn't all bad.. got to go to the police station o_o uhmm..
got to compete in League Of Legends Online Qualifiers but lost..
got to chat with an interesting girl,
who nows owe me a mcFlurry and whose actually very fun to chat with :)
got to influence my cute junior to finally gimme the McD he owes me xD
uhmm Gotten a smurf and sketchbook from my beloved twin :)
uhhmmm got to joke around about flying over to the States and celebrating my birthday a 2nd time before the day ends there.
Met a new blogger friend who is really great in poetry and writing.. wooww...
Got a psychotic bday song sang by a guy in Batman's Joker costume..
Uhmm spent almsot the entire afternoon texting n catching up with my BF :( i missed her.

But again.. like I said in posts before... most of these are things i experience mainly online..
ahaha the internet really is the home of a multimedia designer i guess?

Overall...
Its still not a bday celebration.. i mean.. its like things people do in normal days.
But the time i got to chat with people i dont normally chat with is worth it.. :)
and to just sit around at a police station with my friends in the middle of the night felt epic..
its like being in a music video! lol... mehh..
Still it could have been better..
To be honest I've always wanted to celebrate with a birthday party xD
But its always too much trouble to conduct..
+ i dont know who to invite.. mehhh.. so it never happens. ah ha..
But i'm used to it..

Every year my bday always has a sad side to it..
and at some point I'm tired of it.. its like fate..
I guess thats also a reason why I'm never really celebrating it.. heh..
Out of the 365 days i get in a year the day of my birth..
Has hardly ever been anything good .__.
its like the world is cursing the day i've been borned..
sigh!
But on a brighter note!
I still get to watch Snow white tis Saturday :)
and and.. uhmm i dunno wat else...
ahhh! i shall sleep...
There's nothing left for me to do now anyway~ lol

If i waited would you have said yes?

Probably not.. :)

ahh~ Boring days...

I've been sleeping very late lately.. like 4am in the morning kind of late..

eh heh.. i'm still not coping well.. I feel empty.. like completely feeling nothing..

I'm not happy, i'm not sad.

I'm unhappy and yet.. i feel no sorrow..

i am angry.. but what is anger?

Reminds me of the poems i use to write when i was young.. wahaha

links to my poems: My Poems

To think that I use to be soo much into the dark.. is terrifying.

But then... thats where all my personality came from.. in the dark, in the dark, in the dark....

All i've been doing lately is download movies and gaming

I've been rather tired really... my bday is coming up.. i guess that's why..

never actually celebrated it.. still not going to. ahaha xD

my birth isn't much of a celebration anyway.. plus people tend to forget it..

as if 06/06 is hard to remember? pfft..

I have a bday wish.. but its one that probably would never come true..

but thats what a wish is rite? it isn't suppose to come true.

Its just something you want. not something you need..

What i do need tho, is a miracle.. sighhh!

where is my miracle? D:

I dont even know what i'm saying.. ahaha..

I want...

somebody spontaneous to spend my bday with..

Alas..... there isn't any... :( tis is sad...

eh heh! ahh well.. nothing much to say really...

boring holidays coming to an end.. yay? ahahas

peace and love peeps.. have a great day :)

I meant it when I said..

I havent been sleeping well lately.

Feel like I'm being haunted by my thoughts heh..

For the past 2 weeks I've been killing myself over the Ayuko's passing.

but how can I not? :(

It's been 2months and the wounds have not healed.

She was the type of girl that would never betray another.

She was probably the type of girl I've wanted all along,

faithful, adventurous, kind, playful, loving, supportive and independent

we share pretty much all the same things,

fav animal being cats, fav color purple, etc. etc.

I was the person who made her fairytale fantasy a reality

but she was the person who made my love-life fantasy possible.

sadly, the fantasy was short-lived..

but I nothing I've done in my life was as meaningful
as the time I've spent with her.

Sure, it was a long-distance relationship, but to have it reach the height it did.

I thought maybe it would last forever. but.. it didn't..

and over the past 2months I haven't been to church
except on Sundays,even then I don't feel anything.

see, during the time she was ill. I spend most of my days praying and stuff.

but the ending, there was no miracles.

How can God, who is said to be loving and merciful take such a pure and innocent person?

...she was happy when she passed on.

She couldn't bare seeing her family in pain,
nor could she continue living in pain.

I've never met a person more pure or strong as her.

I don't know if it was due to the sickness
or because it's just the way she is,but I fell in love with her.

It pains me to know that maybe 40% of the people on this planet doesn't deserve their long-life as she deserved hers. Even I don't deserve this life.

I mean, I've looked for death before, its clear that I don't value my life much.

I've been blaming myself and beating myself up
cos I feel like I could've done more.

or how much better it could have ended but it didn't.

now I'm just a complete mess..
and its probably an emotion no one else can ever understand :\

sigh..

BROKEN

In response to my previous post.

My group mate didn't their part of their assignment..
SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE A MONTH AGO..
Isn't Complete.

My whole time schedule of finishing all my assignments on time without stress completely messed up cos of the extra 3 hours I have to spend on this.

Now i reallyyyy feel like jumping off a mountain.
Seriously? seniors? so irresponsible? zz...

MOOD: UNHAPPY, On-the-verge-of-breaking-down-completely

Mirror Mirror On the Wall...

Life works in mysterious ways.

I'm going to start working tomorrow. mainly just for experience.
As a english tuition teacher. lol~ I seriously feel a bit crazy to actually accept such a job o.O

Ahh anyway hmm.. I went for a movie last week :)
Mirror Mirror ahahax~ not a movie i'd usually watch but... okaye...
and then did most of my homework and assignment already.
Should be able to get everything ready for the pass up by week's end.
Soo yeah~ Its all good..

Uhmm i'm not sure what to write or say really..
I've been quite confused..
like saturday night, i broke down cos I was well u know emotional.
due to thinking too much i guess, the usual stuff like..
How did I end up like this~ even if I can have a great future will I have someone to share it with?
yeahh.... emotional.. My thoughts have been hectic.
But I guess that cant be helped.
Still waiting for that moment when I'd get through all this emotional phases and just get into an emotionless, no feelings, life.

I guess I kinda feel like I dont want to get too attached or close to people at this moment,
cos its like I'm gonna leave kuching soon, and leave malaysia soon too hopefully.
and thoughts like that makes me feel like I shouldnt get too attached,
or I might actually miss it here, or miss the people here, the places here.
I guess that's why i've been emotional lately eh.
All I do is focus on the bad points, because I don't want the good points to hold me down.

Forcing myself to suffer?
Oh yes I am. I just really hate it here, the memories. my past. oh gawd, i hate my past.
No amount of happiness or goodness of my present life can ever over weigh the weight of my past.
I wanna leave, I wanna get away. I want to start a new..

I remember when i was young, i thought of running away and living in a jungle or something. hehe. I guess maybe cos I watched peter pan when i was young. LOL!
But yeah, I always dream of running away.
I've always been the odd one out, ever since kindergarten all the way to lower secondary school.
For the way I talk, wrote, was... people were not ready for an emotional person like me I guess.
But now look at me, I'm one of the best in my class.
I have plenty of good friends. my life isn't that bad right now.
But still.. I want to leave it all behind, for a dream of living a new life.. :)

I just want to get away.. uhmm yeah.. thats pretty much it.. :)

Broken Wings

Its been awhile since my last post..
A lot has happened in the pass few weeks..
exactly 1 week ago.. last friday.


Ayuko has passed away.
I got to chat to her a final time a week before she left.
I feel bad that I couldn't be there for her.
but this isn't a fairytale and i cant just magically appear to her.
But she knew that, and she didn't expected me to.
Our last moments in chatting was really full of love and sincerity.
I wish it could've last longer..
I wish things didn't end the way it did..
At the end of it all, this fate couldn't be changed.
I accepted that fact..
For those of you who dont know,
she was suffering from cancer since young..
and it finally caught up to her.

Although I miss her..
I'm glad that she was happy during her final hours.
and the way she is really touched me..
Everything happens for a reason..
I really fell in love with her..
Although it lasted a month+, we really connected.
she was a really amazing person, and will forever hold that special place in my heart.
:| I really miss you...

Aha.. her words that would forever say with me are;
"You will always be an angel in my fairytale ne, And i feel this way give a fairytale more beautiful ending than painful one . ."

Rest In Peace..




I guess that's been the highlight of my entire month.. heh..
The rest are all assignments,
I've been super busy with my assignments,
constantly going out with my coursemates to finish them..
at that time Ayu was already at the hospital..
but i managed quite well.. finished all my assignments,
even with everything going on..
I guess being around friends helped me through it easier..
I dont regret ever meeting her..
And this doesn't affect my plan to go Japan in the near future in anyway..
In fact.. it made me want to go there even more..
Although it isn't what i expected as a first date..
I would love to visit the town she grew up in..
heh.. :\ ahh~
I dont know what more to write..
I'm sick due to lack of sleep.. and everything..
so thats it for now...
will post a more detailed update on my life on later days.

For now..
Thanks for reading ^^

Untitled

I saw you, did you see me? I wanted to say Hi, but every move you make only reminded me of your goodbye.. sigh...


~~But I Really Wish You Would~ Drop Everything Now. Meet Me In The Pouring Rain, Kiss Me On The Sidewalk. Take Away The Pain~~
(Taylor Swift)

So This post is gonna be quite long i guess :)
ahahahax
first off... I would like to talk about...well.. religious stuff ahahax.


RELIGION

Seriously.. on wednesday, there was as always cell group meeting.
and i've been skipping alot of it.. I wanted to skip then too!
but i still ended up going.. but there were only 5 people there..
and CY actually talked about the last saturday service and stuff..
she feels bad that last time she felt like giving up on the cg d, cos really felt like she cant control it and stuff.. But then last saturday she was really touched and felt like restarting and doing her best for the cg etc. etc.
but what affected me most was that she said;
"All of us remains in church because we were touched by God. Also, you cant tell me that from the past, from when our CG was called obed-edom till now that the CG never helped you. So in truth, CG is suppose to be closer, more together. like an actual family."

Anyway! the the part about CG actually helped is true..
I guess I shudnt skip anymore, ahahax.
But yeahh.. CG does help, and it is like a family more or less.
I guess when you think about it.. yeah.. Just because we're not that close, doesnt mean we shouldnt meet up, in fact it means we should meet up more.
Whatsmore, we dont know if in the future we'd have the chance to meet up anymore.
People keep leaving to go overseas, work, have a busy life, etc.
I guess since I have time, I should actually go.
ahahax tat night was great tho..
altho there were only 5people. The atmosphere was different.
Really spirit-filled and just woowww~
ahahahax :) Amazing feeling.
So yeahh~ despite everything, i still loveee my cg :)..
After the whole meeting, i got to know CY a little better.
In the form of.... Kpop!
She said she wants to bleach her hair light blond too! :O
I wanna see that ahahahax! definitely gonna look very epic on her

Yesterday (saturday) service rocked too, with CHC SG SOT team coming to lead it.
ahahax really nice la. and and the guitarist sang You & Me by lifehouse summore,
wheee fav song! it reminded me of Adeline's bday party. LOL!
since i sang tat song to her tat time, ahahahax. lameeee~
anyway! yeahh~ today they english service also SOT mission team lead praise and worship and a few of the stuff, it was nice.. Even the testimony was nice... awesome. God is great.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

~~And our scars reminds us, the past is real; I tear my heart open. Just to feel~~
(Papa Roach)

College life has been going okay.. ahahax getting better friendship with the juniors :P lol!
altho.. by close, i mean that they're asking me to help them with their work :O. tsk tsk tsk.. LOL! but yeah! its nice to know new people.. for now however, i'm quite annoyed by some of the seniors. :O especially the group i'm stuck with in animation.. zz.. watever.. not gonna complain. sigh! College life.. ahahahax. so everything is duedate this week. so have to hand them in tomorrow. Animation and Website design, both done d. wheee~ now left history of art assignment and Fundamentals assignment. sigh! stressin' but then after next week no more classes until HoA exam. YESH.
Then finally! the semester will be over!

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~~I've been screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, & its 2am, and i'm cursing your name! and thats the way I loved you~~
(Taylor Swift)


Next is ENTERTAINMENT:)
>So.. lately I've been watching animes. of course..
Latest anime i finished was; "Ookami Kakushi"
its nice! and its about the Japanese Wolf God. So yeah!
Turns out they're like a new form of werewolves.. actually more like superhumans
and they live with human race with the rules of not supposing to fall in love with them.
blah blah blah~ so yeah! its epic and a must watch! XD

Gonna finish my guitar lessons soon too.. lol.. Its fun to have learn a new skill..
ahahax! hmm what else? i guess thats pretty much it for entertainment, nothing much really

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Life itself has been overall okay i guess..
I'm getting tired of being lonely sometimes.
and also all the schoolwork and stuff.
at times i just wanna disappear or just not feel anything at all.
at times i dont know what i'm living for or what i'm doing.
But here i am, alive and waiting.
I dont know what to do or how to do it.
I just feel soo... actually.. no words can describe how i feel ahahax.
I havent went out with my friends for awhile d. i mean other then, eating out together once in awhile, been about 1month since we last had fun :(
friends in form6, are like super busy preparing for STPM so i havent had much contact with them too.
sighh~~~ so for the moment, life is quite dull.. :(
I wanna fall in love, i wanna have fun, i wanna do something crazy, I wanna see you, I dont wanna talk to you, i wanna scream out loud, i dont wanna be here, i dont, i do, i dont , i do..
I just wanna feel alive for just one more second..
Where's that Jolt of lifeforce when i need it most??
:'( I feel soo frustrated!
Oh yeah! and i really hate hate hateeee people who only finds you when they're sad and ignores u when they're alright. =__=!! annoying! zz roar~

Runaway From Love

♥ ♥ ♥~ Its an endless summer, I want you close to me, in an endless summer; now its time for you & me ~♥ ♥ ♥


So.. Life's been fineeee... lol..
Ohh~ I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with... Taylor Swift~! hahahahax
Random-ness! xD
I even have her as my laptop wallpaper, also drew a fullpage A4 artwork based on all her songs from album; Fearless & Speak Now
Mehh~ I dont know what to say really..
I've been feeling quite uneasy lately :(
Today more than ever.
Hopefully; Thursday outing (watching Transfomers!)
would boost my mood up or something. lol!

Facebook messaged with someone the other day :)
I dont know, it felt normal. ahahax its been 6months i guess that's normal.
Listening to Cascada "Perfect Day" album now
perfect timing too =_=!
my playlist playing the song; "Last Christmas"
But then, as far as reality's concern..
I dont really care~ xD
pahahahax! For now to me
Teen Love - Overrated.
Crushes - Not Worth It.
to me anyway, ahaha maybe i'm just too broken up.
mehh... I still wonder about the past at times.
pfft.. but again, i know better than anyone, the past cannot be changed.
And nothing I do now can make it better, so I can just look at the future.
Future..
I think too much, i know. :) what to do?!
sigh!

Finished my Website Comparison Assignment2 yesterday.
Going to finish Website Design Assignment1 tomorrow (hopefully)
then everything else I HOPE i can do them on time without losing my sleeping time.
all in all, college's going fineee.
heh.. haizzz~
Oh! I've been downloading lots of dance video lately (korean of course)

ahahahax, i still love the CO-ED SCHOOL dance style most :)
+ they're super cute. xD
And my best friend even cut her hair same as one of the members in there!
and it actually looks nice :))~ hehe!
And this link is to my fav music video by them..

"Bbiribbom Bberibbom"

Also! SEGi had students and faculty members from Hansung University come visit.
ahahahax KOREAN! :D
uhh~ yeahh~ :) teehee!
thats it about music and college life i guess...

BACK TO MY REALITY~
"Tell Me How Could It Be, Boy? You're Still A Runaway; You Chase The Dreams From Heaven Above. Where In This World Will You Find A Place To Stay? Runaway From Love"
Fits my mood currently very well..
ahahax :) I'm seriously dont wanna love again.
I wouldnt mind having my heart ripped out and eaten by some beast so I wouldnt have to feel anymore either.
But again, Reality... Reality Bites. But It Wont Ever Kill You, Only Torture You.
Hmph! Its again, one of those days I wish I cant 'feel'.
Dreams, Goals, Visions, Hope; I doubt them now.
sigh~~~ I know I know; Repent!
but still.. sigh~~~~~ ehehe

I think.. I'm just gonna continue lovin all those awesome superstars, and ignore whatever feelings that my heart wants to create. Cos I really dont want to get involved in anything else that'd hurt me...

"Oh, Dear Heart, Why Does Thou Want Love? When Its The Thing That Breaks Thee."

Obviously! if you follow my blog u'd know that I'd had a crush for quite some time d! ahahax but i havent done anything about it. And all this time I've been pushing myself away from it, I dont wanna be in love and dont even wanna think about it... So all in all... :( I wish my heart would just stop Feeling.

This is Aaron, Signing Off. xoxo. Peace! :)

Have I been forsaken?

So.. Everyone has their own takes in life.
There are those who find it fitting to be just within the comfort of friends, and those who find solace in the realm of solitude. People who gets lost in their own worlds of books & studies, People who hides away in cyberspace. Hobbyist who takes up hobbies just to cure their emptiness. Oh how we mortals get rooted into this wonderfully materialized world~
TRAGIC~ & a wee bit dramatic.
But what of me? what of me.
Depression has consumed me time n time again.
I may not be crazy enough to cut my own ear off and send it to a lover (Artist, Van Gogh)
nor will i hide in a broken down house away from the world writing poetry (Poet, Edgar Ellen Poe)
No.. I choose to remain here. Altho I'm not seen as much.
And I may possibly just seem like a Ghost to the people around me.
I remain.. here... in silence.
I'm appreciated; Not.
I'm loved; Not.
I'm Walking, Talking, Breathing, But Am I Alive?

years of solitude and rejection has caused me a hole in my chest.
an emptiness.. a gap that nothing in this world can ever fill!
I have tried over and over. In every single possibly way to fill it.
But it remains... the hole remains.
is love what i'm after? is happiness what i need?
is a companion all i want? is life worth living.... ?

no no no no no NONONONONO!!?!

no... I've waited, I've ran, I've fallen, I've practiced, I've trained, I've cried, I've died, I've been revived. I've been broken, I've been fixed, I've been ill, I've been healed, But still this emptiness remains.
Years and years this emptiness remains.
A depression that I cant seem to break.
why why why why WHY?!
Life is not unfair, in fact, my life is getting better and better.
I get blessed almost daily, I have every reason to be happy.
I've had probably a life with a lot more experiences than others.
but still... still...
I cant find what i'm looking for..
Is there nothing to fill this gap?
Is this world soo limited that a hole cannot be filled?

ahahax..
..

I wanna be loved. I wanna be appreciated, I wanna be noticed.
I wanna... be... Happy...
tired of being alone, tired of trying, tired..
oh soo tired...
If there is truly nothing for me in this world..
I really dont know why I'm still going..
will waiting really be all I'm suppose to do?
I'm really sick of it. soo sick... of waiting.
I dont even know what i'm waiting for..

and if y'all think this is Emotional, than F U .
Cos its my blog and its suppose to be personal.
If u wanna judge than say it to my face, dont gossip!

ahahax...
Torment..Sacrifice..God..Love..Life..Earth..World..Relationship..Friendship..Depression..Self-harm..Myself..You..Everyone..Hate..Disappointment..Unreliable..Insecure..Unsafe.....Broken... Dead... Empty...

Why'd you have to leave me falling down this bottomless pit? I'm an angel, I'm suppose to sore in the skies, free, with no chains, no limits.. Not falling with burned off wings and broken bones..



.:FORSAKEN:.