Incapability

Uhmm I've been well.. over-thinking.. as always.
"Incapability" is the word :)

A long time ago, I wondered about all the worse case scenario if a relationship.
First, would be being in love with a sick girl. I'd do my best to visit her everyday.
Let her experience everything in life, and make her happy...
Remember my post last time about feeling horrible about Ayuko's death..
yeah.. that feeling still remains of course..
As well as the lingering feeling of Incapability..
As I wasn't even able to be there for her, I couldn't even be there for her funeral..
yeah.. :|

Another worse case scenario would be
falling in love with a pregnant girl who doesnt have a husband.
well, if I was in love with her, i'd support her n her family without a doubt. :)
even if she isn't ready for a relationship or whatever that'd be what i'd do.
My friend is going through a similar situation, I wish I could do something.
But I incapable...
knowing the problem, knowing what to do is one thing.
But to have the materials and funds to do it is another .__.
At times I wish I was born into a rich family, to stop seeing people going through such hard fates.
But I wasnt born rich... :(

In a relationship,
She deserves someone who can make her happy and give her a happy life.
As well as one who can provide for her and her family.
And make her smile everyday without a doubt.

But again, I'm Incapable.
This world is too materialistic for the likes of a lover like me .__.

I wish I could be there to hug you and tell you that everything is alright.
That you can let it go, let everything go
and just let the tears fall and disappear forever.
To allow you to be free from the sadness and emptiness.
To show you how true love really is like, without the sad depression.
To be the guide you wish for soo dearly.
But, I'm incapable of it... I'll be leaving soon :|

I guess at some point I've made my choice that my dream of leaving.
The choice to press the reset button on my life,
is more important than giving everything I am to a relationship.
I've not felt happy in a long time. And don't think I will anytime soon.
I just want to stop loving for now.. I cant handle the pain..

I'm emotional, spiritual, forgiving, self-less, faster, stronger, smarter, creative, hardworking and overall good in everything I want to be good in..
My goal in life is to reach as close to PERFECT as I possibly can..
I may not be rich, but i'm still one of the best person anyone could ever find.
I may be incapable of giving a lover everything she wants,
but I'll be the person to give her everything she needs..

I only wonder now if there is anyone out there for me .__.
Alas.. I'm incapable of seeing the future..

I fear, my goal for perfection would leave me a bachelor forever..
Often I wonder, would that be soo bad? :\

ahaha~ one of my friend told me that, she'd prefer me to be in love than single forever.
I asked her why, she said she just does..

To be honest, I do too.. I miss having someone to hold/someone to hold me.
Unless love is something as simple as emotions, feelings, desires, gift of chocolates and roses..
I dont see how I can fit in to it now...

Now.. all i see that maintains a relationship mainly... is money..
The world today is of such insecurity and incapability of loving until no matter what you do..
There isn't any love left.. No one love like they should anymore.
It isn't real... how can I be with someone who isnt a true lover?
Simple, I cant. But how does one differentiate a true lover from a fake one?
it isn't possible. The incapability of seeing a person's true form, is scary...
It doesnt provide happiness nor fulfillment like a relationship is suppose to....

I may not be capable of being perfectly nice and rich at the same time.
But I'm definitely capable of loving with my whole heart, are you?