A Future Uncertain

“Regardless of your faith, you can never escape uncertainty.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I received a call from my college a few days back, telling me that if I wanted to continue pursuing my studies there's an intake in July for the Creative Multimedia Degree in West Malaysia. It is as though the path just randomly opened up to me.Yet I'm unsure if I should pursue this path. I mean sure if I go now, i'd graduate at 24 and if I'd still decide to go for Theology afterwards , I'd probably be around 26. But really though I'm unsure of what to pursue.

A long time ago, all I wanted was a simple life.
Have a job - a lover - a house - marriage - kids - simple life.

But it would appear that... life has caused me much heartache.. To a point where I no longer wish for a simple life.. or any reason to simply to just be living.

I thirst for more.. I'm tired of these mundane things everyone pursues. It makes everyone seems too similar, too alike, too normal, too human.. So I think ultimately for this uncertainty I might just go with the flow of it. And see where this wind takes me.

To be honest. I don't know what I want anymore.

Well, not really. There's many things I want, but I don't know which to choose.

And if choices would allow me, I might consider giving my life to you once more.

But alas that's but a distant dream for another me in a parallel world.

But what of this world and this life.

What kind of life should I lead? what kind of history should I leave behind?

The uncertainty is housing doubts within me...

Oh how I wish there was someone I can confide my feelings to...

I miss you, but I can't stay still anymore.

The one thing you've taught me is to face life with all I have.

To have loved you, to have lost you.

I finally feel like I can let go now, to finally take on a life-changing decision.

Wherever the paths of life takes me, my destination shall never change.

Regardless of how much time I'd waste or how much mistakes I'd make.

Or however late I am to reach that place. I will reach it.

For that is my resolve. 

It is the only certain thing in my life of uncertainties.

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Yesterday I had a J-Drama marathon completely watching,

The Hours of My Life (Boku no Ita Jikan/僕のいた時間)

It is a Drama series about a college leaver who just found out he had ALS(amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)

//For people who don't know, ALS is the disease that Stephen Hawking had. It is a sickness where a person slowly loses functionality of their body, basically the muscles slowly get paralyze part by part, bit by bit. It affects shoulders, hands, arms, fingers, legs, feet, limbs, and basically works up to the respiratory organs of which would require the patient to be put on Ventilator to help them breathe (which would disable their ability to speak/eat normally) Its basically a horrible disease of which still has no easy way to determine, no known causes, no cure nor treatment.//

Anyway, in the 11-episode drama, the main character had to start working after graduating college. When he slowly finds out of his disease which completely changed his course in life. As he knows he is unable to fully enjoy life now. And the worse part was that it was during the main turning point of life. The time when he was suppose to figure out his future.. He found out that he could not have a normal future at all.

Its a very heartwarming and heartbreaking drama that really touched my heart.

And it reminded me of someone. Someone close who i dearly miss, whom passed away due to cancer.

It was because of this that I decided to allow myself to let my life take whichever course it will lead me,

because there is no certainty in life. The best way to counteract this is to simply have faith to face whatever comes my way. It reminded me of something our mutual friend told me when she passed, "to live" she said. To live on for myself and for her. I was reminded of this when I was watching the final Episode of the drama, where the phrase "Your body is not just yours." which was actually expressing that, your life is not your own but also part of everyone else's who have a part in it.

I love the drama and how I could relate to all the emotions felt within it...

It definitely gave me the angle I needed to go through my current state of life.