I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly..

my theme song for leaving: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

"Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love."

It's nearing the time for me to leave.

It's been a fun ride~ ahahaha wait.. that sounds like a death speech.

But really though,

loads have happened recently really.

I've been hanging out with friends in and out..

Rekindled old friendships, Reinforced newer friendships.

and let go of the painful and regrettable ones.

"Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here, so I prayed I could breakaway."

 ((Gives of the past))

 ((Gives of the present))

Things that convey a feeling of acceptance.

But still it's time for me to go, and I wont regret my decision.

This time I'll show you all, I'm better off, I'm stronger now.

I'll breakthrough this life with my own strength.

Cos' its time for me to fly, and with these wings I'll ride through the winds and clouds.

Soaring to the height where angels reside. I'll chase my dream till the end of time.

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, though it's not easy to tell you goodbye.
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway~"



============================================

No Fears. No Regrets. No Hesitations.

============================================

Freed

It's been awhile since my last post.

With my decisions made for leaving my hometown, I'm both excited and frightened.

To be able to leave this place is a blessing on its own.

But a saddening feeling has started to creep up to me these past few days.

To leave behind some of my closest friends may be harder than I expected.

Last week 06/06 was my birthday.

I was able to call out a gathering between my closest friends;

including XY, my bestie from high school.

To be able to meet her after such a long period of no-contact.

I definitely felt blissful to be able to see her again.

That feeling you get, when you haven't seen your best friend in a long long time,

but still are able to talk like nothing's changed.. That Feeling is Amazing. 

Words cant even begin to express my gratefulness of having someone like her in my life.

For a long time, I was lost as I wasn't sure what I wanted out of life, 

as if I'm a walking corpse forced to live my life in dread.
then I made this random decision that I want to leave.
to fully leave behind all these 

But that day, on my 22nd b-day.

I got to spend my dinner time with;

Feng : my gaming/hobby/anime buddy, whose always supportive.

Ric : the simple guy who's always been a great listener.

XY : my bf ever since high school, our friendship was never simple but all the complications often seem to disappear when we meet up or talked. It's just one of those miraculous thing that happens when you find that one person you can fully open up to.

& Amelia : Eric's sister whom, I do not know very well, but is a kind-hearted soul. and at most times very similar to her lil brother :)

Twas a small but precious gathering~ 

we had a nice dinner at 'Oishi', although it wasn't the besttt Japanese food ever, it was good enough. Aha.

Shared a chocolate cheesecake with everybody, and went on to have milk tea as we chatted about random stuff for what seems like a long time.

It was simple but it was precious. A memory I would cherish for a very long time.

Similarly, today went out with them for a romantic comedy movie "Blended",

A fun and funny movie that had everybody laughing.

A long time ago, I've tried my best to avoid romance flicks. 'cos it often reminded me of the past,

and more often, pokes the wounds on my heart everytime a lovey dovey part appears.

For a long time that feeling of loneliness had haunted me. 

But today, it would appear that I've overcame it, to have my friends beside me is truly a blessing.

Although it pains me to leave them here while I'm going away for further studies.

And there's a high probability that I may never come back.

I'm grateful to those who are here with me now. 

The ones I leave behind. The ones I'll never forget. The ones I'll come back for.

To be able to hangout with XY made me happy, but not only because it's been a long time,

But also because I got to see how strong she's become. 

To see her purest smile and sweetest laugh and weirdest responses~

It shows how much she've grown over the years. & I'm happy for her. 

Which is why although it saddens me to have to leave the company of such great people.

I'm honored to be considered the friends / close-friends / best-friends.

And I believe there's more this world could offer me. 

More than this. more than everything I have now.

It is not lust or greed that I sought to leave and find something more or greater.

But because of faith, Faith and Hope that allows me to dream;

to believe that I can do more, be more..

to believe that if I stumble and fall and crumble to pieces, that I might find comfort in these people whom I truly adore.

to believe that there's far greater things to come for me, and for them..

to believe that not time nor distance can break our bonds.

and to know that...

I love all my friends, truly i do.

I also love all my enemies, ex-s, haters and acquaintances.

For each individual that I've met in my life, has brought me to be who/what I am today.

I can finally say, that I'm free and I shall soar the skies.. where I'm meant to be.

And with all my heart I pray & hope that these bonds I've made,
would survive the passage of time and remain eternally beautiful.

鍵

I'll be leaving this place in a month or so..

I might still come back during breaks and holidays.

but I'm unsure, can't say I'd miss this place. 

There's too many memories here that I'd be happier if I can forget.

And although I'd be going to a new place alone..

It feels kinda refreshing to have a new start.

Sure the new location may not be what I'd wish it to be,

In fact the people there might be worse than the people here.

But ultimately, with the experienced I've gained in my life here,

I'm sure I'd be perfectly fine there aswell. 

I wish things could be different, really I do.. I have my regrets. 

But unless I'm willing to put myself down in harms way again and put out 100% of myself, 

I wouldn't be able to fix my life here.

Its too late for me, I've risen and fallen too much here..

My life stains this place like blood to a bed sheet,

It'll never fully disappear, the pain.. the loneliness.. these memories.

So, in the end my choice is simply to run..

Hopefully, sooner or later I'd find a place to call my own, a place to make myself a home.

But till that day comes, all I can do is run.

Seems silly doesn't it? To run from one's own past..

and yet.. Its what I've chosen to do..

to search for.. to find ... a reset button to this pitiful life of mine..

Perhaps I'm just too broken to try anything else.

Too scared.. too cowardly to face my life in the face..

Maybe that's why I have such... unrealistic beliefs and dreams..

But really in the end..

I'm just too tired of facing life alone.. 

and all I want to do is find someone to face the world with..

someone who'd understand that I may not be a 100% but if trusted, 

I'd do everything in my power to be with her. Regardless of anything the world throws at me..

However.. along the years of my life. I seem to have lost of faith in the world.

I don't see how this world could even harbor such a pure soul anymore.

No matter.. I'm leaving soon.. and I'm glad.

I'm gonna start putting my hope back in my life..

Hopefully it would not end horribly.
And maybe, just maybe. I'd be able to put myself back together again..

//If these paper stars could grant me just one wish//

//I'd wish to restart my life properly and be with you once again, love of my life.//

A Future Uncertain

“Regardless of your faith, you can never escape uncertainty.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I received a call from my college a few days back, telling me that if I wanted to continue pursuing my studies there's an intake in July for the Creative Multimedia Degree in West Malaysia. It is as though the path just randomly opened up to me.Yet I'm unsure if I should pursue this path. I mean sure if I go now, i'd graduate at 24 and if I'd still decide to go for Theology afterwards , I'd probably be around 26. But really though I'm unsure of what to pursue.

A long time ago, all I wanted was a simple life.
Have a job - a lover - a house - marriage - kids - simple life.

But it would appear that... life has caused me much heartache.. To a point where I no longer wish for a simple life.. or any reason to simply to just be living.

I thirst for more.. I'm tired of these mundane things everyone pursues. It makes everyone seems too similar, too alike, too normal, too human.. So I think ultimately for this uncertainty I might just go with the flow of it. And see where this wind takes me.

To be honest. I don't know what I want anymore.

Well, not really. There's many things I want, but I don't know which to choose.

And if choices would allow me, I might consider giving my life to you once more.

But alas that's but a distant dream for another me in a parallel world.

But what of this world and this life.

What kind of life should I lead? what kind of history should I leave behind?

The uncertainty is housing doubts within me...

Oh how I wish there was someone I can confide my feelings to...

I miss you, but I can't stay still anymore.

The one thing you've taught me is to face life with all I have.

To have loved you, to have lost you.

I finally feel like I can let go now, to finally take on a life-changing decision.

Wherever the paths of life takes me, my destination shall never change.

Regardless of how much time I'd waste or how much mistakes I'd make.

Or however late I am to reach that place. I will reach it.

For that is my resolve. 

It is the only certain thing in my life of uncertainties.

------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I had a J-Drama marathon completely watching,

The Hours of My Life (Boku no Ita Jikan/僕のいた時間)

It is a Drama series about a college leaver who just found out he had ALS(amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)

//For people who don't know, ALS is the disease that Stephen Hawking had. It is a sickness where a person slowly loses functionality of their body, basically the muscles slowly get paralyze part by part, bit by bit. It affects shoulders, hands, arms, fingers, legs, feet, limbs, and basically works up to the respiratory organs of which would require the patient to be put on Ventilator to help them breathe (which would disable their ability to speak/eat normally) Its basically a horrible disease of which still has no easy way to determine, no known causes, no cure nor treatment.//

Anyway, in the 11-episode drama, the main character had to start working after graduating college. When he slowly finds out of his disease which completely changed his course in life. As he knows he is unable to fully enjoy life now. And the worse part was that it was during the main turning point of life. The time when he was suppose to figure out his future.. He found out that he could not have a normal future at all.

Its a very heartwarming and heartbreaking drama that really touched my heart.

And it reminded me of someone. Someone close who i dearly miss, whom passed away due to cancer.

It was because of this that I decided to allow myself to let my life take whichever course it will lead me,

because there is no certainty in life. The best way to counteract this is to simply have faith to face whatever comes my way. It reminded me of something our mutual friend told me when she passed, "to live" she said. To live on for myself and for her. I was reminded of this when I was watching the final Episode of the drama, where the phrase "Your body is not just yours." which was actually expressing that, your life is not your own but also part of everyone else's who have a part in it.

I love the drama and how I could relate to all the emotions felt within it...

It definitely gave me the angle I needed to go through my current state of life.