Seemingly... frustrated

Artist block!

( artwork by: Beth Harvey)

It would seem that I feel into a hole I can't escape :\

Artist block; when all your ideas just don't wanna come out~

I have the idea, the concept..

A hero fallen, a villain rises, a country divided, a revolution evolving, a world broken.

A beginning that lets 'The Character' say;

"I'm sorry, but this is my story."

And yet these shards of ideas, I can't seem to piece the ideas together..

The illustration is on the tip of my mind, but it doesn't wanna come out.

Arghh the frustration...

Though, I should be being busy with a lot of other stuff that stressing about my own personal art work..

But to be honest, I can't seem to get myself to do anything lately.

Life's been too confusing. Which leads me back to~~ art! & wouldn't you know it.

Just when I needed it most, no ideas come to me..

Just utter frustration and confusion.

Why can't life be easier. or perhaps i should ask... why can't I lead a simpler life :\

hmm... and who am I to take up your time to read my random rantings about life and art~

Then again~ this is my Blog and I can write whatever I please! yay~

And upside! There's CG special gathering tomorrow.

... unsure if that's really an upside though o.O

Considering how anti-social i'm feeling these few days.. pfft...

Okayy~ 'nuff said, 'nuff ranting
~Nothing special happened today~

So I bid you, my little readers, a happy day ahead/tomorrow.



//P.S; "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

A Future Uncertain

“Regardless of your faith, you can never escape uncertainty.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I received a call from my college a few days back, telling me that if I wanted to continue pursuing my studies there's an intake in July for the Creative Multimedia Degree in West Malaysia. It is as though the path just randomly opened up to me.Yet I'm unsure if I should pursue this path. I mean sure if I go now, i'd graduate at 24 and if I'd still decide to go for Theology afterwards , I'd probably be around 26. But really though I'm unsure of what to pursue.

A long time ago, all I wanted was a simple life.
Have a job - a lover - a house - marriage - kids - simple life.

But it would appear that... life has caused me much heartache.. To a point where I no longer wish for a simple life.. or any reason to simply to just be living.

I thirst for more.. I'm tired of these mundane things everyone pursues. It makes everyone seems too similar, too alike, too normal, too human.. So I think ultimately for this uncertainty I might just go with the flow of it. And see where this wind takes me.

To be honest. I don't know what I want anymore.

Well, not really. There's many things I want, but I don't know which to choose.

And if choices would allow me, I might consider giving my life to you once more.

But alas that's but a distant dream for another me in a parallel world.

But what of this world and this life.

What kind of life should I lead? what kind of history should I leave behind?

The uncertainty is housing doubts within me...

Oh how I wish there was someone I can confide my feelings to...

I miss you, but I can't stay still anymore.

The one thing you've taught me is to face life with all I have.

To have loved you, to have lost you.

I finally feel like I can let go now, to finally take on a life-changing decision.

Wherever the paths of life takes me, my destination shall never change.

Regardless of how much time I'd waste or how much mistakes I'd make.

Or however late I am to reach that place. I will reach it.

For that is my resolve. 

It is the only certain thing in my life of uncertainties.

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Yesterday I had a J-Drama marathon completely watching,

The Hours of My Life (Boku no Ita Jikan/僕のいた時間)

It is a Drama series about a college leaver who just found out he had ALS(amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)

//For people who don't know, ALS is the disease that Stephen Hawking had. It is a sickness where a person slowly loses functionality of their body, basically the muscles slowly get paralyze part by part, bit by bit. It affects shoulders, hands, arms, fingers, legs, feet, limbs, and basically works up to the respiratory organs of which would require the patient to be put on Ventilator to help them breathe (which would disable their ability to speak/eat normally) Its basically a horrible disease of which still has no easy way to determine, no known causes, no cure nor treatment.//

Anyway, in the 11-episode drama, the main character had to start working after graduating college. When he slowly finds out of his disease which completely changed his course in life. As he knows he is unable to fully enjoy life now. And the worse part was that it was during the main turning point of life. The time when he was suppose to figure out his future.. He found out that he could not have a normal future at all.

Its a very heartwarming and heartbreaking drama that really touched my heart.

And it reminded me of someone. Someone close who i dearly miss, whom passed away due to cancer.

It was because of this that I decided to allow myself to let my life take whichever course it will lead me,

because there is no certainty in life. The best way to counteract this is to simply have faith to face whatever comes my way. It reminded me of something our mutual friend told me when she passed, "to live" she said. To live on for myself and for her. I was reminded of this when I was watching the final Episode of the drama, where the phrase "Your body is not just yours." which was actually expressing that, your life is not your own but also part of everyone else's who have a part in it.

I love the drama and how I could relate to all the emotions felt within it...

It definitely gave me the angle I needed to go through my current state of life.

Present and Future

"In order to find yourself, you need to get lost in the forest of life." - Mike Dolan

The last couple of months has been a rather roller coaster ride for me.

I'm currently jobless and looking for a uni to enroll to.

and yet at the same time, i'm not sure if that's what I should really be doing.

I'm not even sure what course to take if I were to enroll into a uni.

and a part of me is just so tired of life itself.

I am/was at a lost a complete lost...

yet, in the past couple of weeks I was found.

I rededicate my life.. though no fully (yet) to my spiritual life.

trying to be more active in church... sort of. 

I transferred myself to another cell group,

because I know that if I don't take the step, I probably never will.

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So today I went up jungle tracking with the group and other church mates.

I'm not an outdoorsy person, so it was kinda sorta tiring for me.

especially THAT early in the morning. ahahaha

and the sun was freakin hot..

but complains aside, seeing how the youth groups were so energetic in there was entertaining.

and I know that at some point my mum likes nature walks really.

I think that's also part of the reason I decided to go,

since I personally dont like things like this, so I'd probably never bring mum there.

And if I were to leave Kuching and never come back.

I'd probably never get the chance to goto stuff like this ever again.

Still she had fun, so that's good. Especially since she was practically hanging out with strangers.

So I'm grateful for that part of the trip.

I got to spend time with ALPHA cellgroup, although it seems rather awkward for me still.

I just don't like socializing, never did. But maybe someday I will?

Perhaps... maybe.. I still don't know much about them.

(props to my CGL for the photo)

At any rate, the trip~

had to wake up at 7 just to get ready to meet up with the mates at 101.

Then went all the way up to Bau, for the jungle tracking which lasted about 2 hours.

Afterwards went down to Wind cave,
and then to lunch at a food court near Tasik Biru *translates: Blue Lake.

Last destination was the lake itself.

Where we all gathered talked and hanged out for a while before heading back home.

It was a rather... eventful day. Even though I really am not the type of person to really enjoy outings like this..

It was fun, and seeing how much *someone* has become such a great leader kinda left me in awe.

Like how my (possibly) bad decision in the past, could leave such a big gap between the differences and level on the both of us.

At some point, it made me wanna do more,

to get back on the same level as her, or perhaps even surpass her.

When I was in form4 I had a dream to study Theology, I never told anyone this except my closest friend.

But after awhile, after i got into a serious relationship that deeply broke me at the end.

I was left broken for a longgg time, that which I felt without the need to live my life anymore.

I'm still broken, and the scars on my heart will never heal.
I should've known better than to love soo deeply.
or at least I should've been more stable back then... whatever the case though.

These scars are perhaps the ones that'd take me through the times ahead.

Which is why, I've decided to devote myself to church more... slowly aha.

and eventually if God wills it, head for the desire i once had to enter theology.

Personally, I've always had a desire to change the world.

To bring about a revolution, but seeing the world today.

The demotivated people around me, the lack of reason in the society around me.

I feel that there's no real way for me to change the world if I was just part of the society.

Even leaders now do not have authority within their own country.

It is truly a saddening sight to know that, the world is breaking.
And there's no real way to unite it.

Even if war were to happen, it would not bring about an economic race that came like after WW2.

for if there was a war now, it'd completely destroy the world and everyone within it.

At a political standpoint, there's no longer a way to save the world or its people from their ways.

Even at a marketplace/economical standpoint the world is dying.

Technology standpoint, there's no longer anything people can create that can fix the world only to destroy it more.

So all that's left is a religious standpoint.

Perhaps if my desire was strong enough I'd be able to change the world from this point,
even if just as a small part.

Why do I want to change the world in the first place?

I always liked the thought of a revolutionary change. As I believe that the world would be stronger united under one rule, rather than hundreds. Indeed Conquerors of the past have tried to rule the world, but their vision were flawed as their greed and wrath clouded their overall judgement.

I believe that, the world should be made equal. But not in the form of communism, but rather similar to the Earth of Star Trek, in that trilogy/series. People have advanced to a point where money no longer exist and people just do what they do for the sake of serving their planet. Similarly I think that people should embrace teachings like that. A place where greed no longer exist can really boost a world's overall performance.

And if in a religious view, how good it would be if everyone on the earth went back to God. Living under the One way that we were meant to live? Would that not be... a more fulfilling life than the routine we've fixated ourselves to?

But alas, my future is still unclear to me. A vivid desire, does not equal the weight of living it out.

I'm still ultimately unsure of what to do.

A cross to bear, but which to choose?

A future unknown. But by God I know eventually I'll make it through.