Hard times

I want to change completely.
And to do so, it requires. lots and lots of Endurance.
I dont know when i will be able to let go completely.
It feels soo hard.
I accept that she's gone, and i may never get her back.
I dont even know what i'm holding on to.
SIGH!
anyway,
Next week college start. Hoping it'll keep me busy.
So i wont get influenced emotionally.
Then... If I still have too much free time, i'ma do more in church.
if still too much. I'ma take up Guitar.
If still too much~ I'm just gonna pray hard.
Cos although God set a future for me,
I dont have Guidance to take me to it.
I dont know what i'm suppose to do.
Maybe is shud goto the movies alone, like my friend said.
hmmm~
but... now i think about it... I dont wanna go alone.. lol.. too much memories.
Haiz.. I cant do anything rite now :(
I need to find something new to do...
Its not the memories are bad or anything.
actually... most of them are happy memories. :')
but I dont wanna risk getting affected negatively by overthinking.
I wonder when will this uneasy feeling stop...
it makes it really hard to concentrate on my life..
These memories are things we Human choose.
Living by them are like living with the world.
being hurt by them are like denying the existence of God,
whom is the healer of my broken heart.
not the brainwasher of my memories.
So will time cure this emotional uneasiness?
I believe yes... not cure it, but make me strong enough to face it.
yeah! I aint weak.. God is my strength :)
and in due time I will be able to walk again.
They wont be things i'd forget, but things i'll learn to live with.

things I wanna be thankful for would be;
being happy the whole of last year.
I know have to let go of her, but the memories I choose to learn to live with.
Although I was hurt deeply at the near end of 2010,
I shouldnt have done what i did..
I wish.. I never changed lanes..
I should've stayed with God through out the previous year and last.
I wish the desires I wanted didnt cloud my judgement..
but it's too late now.
& yeah i learnt my lesson..
I thought about it this whole entire event and outcome..
And I wanted to quit on love..
but then, that's childish... to quit on something i believe in;
just because I was hurt.
It's life, it's suppose to hurt.
Things I regret can never be erase.
I guess this is how a first true true love breakup feels like.
it hurts. but i'll be stronger from it.
i needed to change this year anyway..
this shouldnt change anything.
it affects my plans.
But if she wasnt happy i shouldnt have been soo desperate.
I was too emotionally imbalanced and too naive to love her the way I should have.
Haizz~ you live and you learn eh?
Anyway! I will love and care for everyone around me. :)
Because, I am blessed to have people around me when I needed them.
Although it was wrong for me to seek people instead of God..
I think that's the big lesson i learnt from this.
Depending on God and not anyone else.
Cos no one can really heal me the way I needed to be healed.
and no one can strengthen me or reassure me like God can.

You know what? maybe I will goto the cinemas alone sometime.
Yeah, with God by my side. who else would I need eh?
And what better way to conquer the fear and pain than by facing it head on?
YEAH!
I was never one to have fear, hesitations or regrets.
nothing should change that~ and never will :D~
Oh cool! I feel better. hehe~

I'm thankful to have her be my first true love. if not i wouldnt have changed for the better :')

Current Song:
We The Redeemed - Hillsongs

Verse 1:
There is nothing like Your love
No exchange for all You gave
To be welcomed into life
So I can know the love that saves

Verse 2:
Now forever to belong
To walk with You for all my days
Theres no greater love than this
You are the Author and the Way

Pre-Chorus:
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King
Our hope is in You
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King

Chorus:
Singing glorious glorious One You have saved us
Honor and Power and Praise to the Savior.

You are the Answer You are the Answer

Verse 3:
You come with power come with fire
As we lift Your name on high
And join with all the saints to sing
In bringing Honor to the King.

Pre-Chorus + Chorus

Pre-Chorus + Chorus

Bridge:
We the redeemed
Hear us singing
You are Holy
You are Holy