Heart Breaking.. Literately

"It's Too Late. It's My Fate. I Cant Turn Around. There's No Fear In The Mirror To Hold Me Down. I'm Too Far From The Start. Now I'm In Too Deep. I Gotta Stick To The Plan. Cos' There's No Plan B." - M A N∀ F E S T




So.. like..
I dont know what's wrong with me..
I felt emo since waking up. nothing seems right.
I wanna relax, i wanna chill, i wanna find myself.
Cos somewhere along the line, i lost well.. me, myself.
I DONT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!~
And its a scene i know soo clear.
I've just turned one huge round back to where I started from.
Not knowing who i am... Sigh..
my chest hurted just now, i have no idea why.
I cried just now due to overthiking.
so yeah, today isnt really my day.
just posting to get my thoughts out.
If i was a Sim from Sims 2 or 3.
I'd be the one with the Family Aspiration.
rofl. cos thats pretty much all i aim for in life.
not being a superstar, not being famous, not overachieving.
Just having a decent job, a good wife and a happy family.
and the thing is, i dont know if thats possible for me.
I'm creative and thats all i am.
I know i can be perfect and wonderful just as how God has made everyone to be.
but in the end, i just dont know if i can make it.
Everything else doesnt seem worth it.
and the only reason i'm still alive is cos i still have Hope.
I still have Faith in God. Sometimes that runs low.
I just feel soo lost right now.
i just wanna be happy.
eeeiiiissshhhhhhhhh...
Life is officially... meaningless.
to me. for now. at least. :(
sigh! save me.. anybody?
I know I should just be patient and wait for the good thing to come.
And I of all people should know that it's gonna be soon.
Buttt... I'm as always, bad at being patient.
I'm not good in waiting.
So I pray that the good days that are to come, be comin' soon.
Pretty please ♥ ? .___.!
that's pretty much it.

Hard times

I want to change completely.
And to do so, it requires. lots and lots of Endurance.
I dont know when i will be able to let go completely.
It feels soo hard.
I accept that she's gone, and i may never get her back.
I dont even know what i'm holding on to.
SIGH!
anyway,
Next week college start. Hoping it'll keep me busy.
So i wont get influenced emotionally.
Then... If I still have too much free time, i'ma do more in church.
if still too much. I'ma take up Guitar.
If still too much~ I'm just gonna pray hard.
Cos although God set a future for me,
I dont have Guidance to take me to it.
I dont know what i'm suppose to do.
Maybe is shud goto the movies alone, like my friend said.
hmmm~
but... now i think about it... I dont wanna go alone.. lol.. too much memories.
Haiz.. I cant do anything rite now :(
I need to find something new to do...
Its not the memories are bad or anything.
actually... most of them are happy memories. :')
but I dont wanna risk getting affected negatively by overthinking.
I wonder when will this uneasy feeling stop...
it makes it really hard to concentrate on my life..
These memories are things we Human choose.
Living by them are like living with the world.
being hurt by them are like denying the existence of God,
whom is the healer of my broken heart.
not the brainwasher of my memories.
So will time cure this emotional uneasiness?
I believe yes... not cure it, but make me strong enough to face it.
yeah! I aint weak.. God is my strength :)
and in due time I will be able to walk again.
They wont be things i'd forget, but things i'll learn to live with.

things I wanna be thankful for would be;
being happy the whole of last year.
I know have to let go of her, but the memories I choose to learn to live with.
Although I was hurt deeply at the near end of 2010,
I shouldnt have done what i did..
I wish.. I never changed lanes..
I should've stayed with God through out the previous year and last.
I wish the desires I wanted didnt cloud my judgement..
but it's too late now.
& yeah i learnt my lesson..
I thought about it this whole entire event and outcome..
And I wanted to quit on love..
but then, that's childish... to quit on something i believe in;
just because I was hurt.
It's life, it's suppose to hurt.
Things I regret can never be erase.
I guess this is how a first true true love breakup feels like.
it hurts. but i'll be stronger from it.
i needed to change this year anyway..
this shouldnt change anything.
it affects my plans.
But if she wasnt happy i shouldnt have been soo desperate.
I was too emotionally imbalanced and too naive to love her the way I should have.
Haizz~ you live and you learn eh?
Anyway! I will love and care for everyone around me. :)
Because, I am blessed to have people around me when I needed them.
Although it was wrong for me to seek people instead of God..
I think that's the big lesson i learnt from this.
Depending on God and not anyone else.
Cos no one can really heal me the way I needed to be healed.
and no one can strengthen me or reassure me like God can.

You know what? maybe I will goto the cinemas alone sometime.
Yeah, with God by my side. who else would I need eh?
And what better way to conquer the fear and pain than by facing it head on?
YEAH!
I was never one to have fear, hesitations or regrets.
nothing should change that~ and never will :D~
Oh cool! I feel better. hehe~

I'm thankful to have her be my first true love. if not i wouldnt have changed for the better :')

Current Song:
We The Redeemed - Hillsongs

Verse 1:
There is nothing like Your love
No exchange for all You gave
To be welcomed into life
So I can know the love that saves

Verse 2:
Now forever to belong
To walk with You for all my days
Theres no greater love than this
You are the Author and the Way

Pre-Chorus:
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King
Our hope is in You
This is the sound of the redeemed
Rising up to praise the King

Chorus:
Singing glorious glorious One You have saved us
Honor and Power and Praise to the Savior.

You are the Answer You are the Answer

Verse 3:
You come with power come with fire
As we lift Your name on high
And join with all the saints to sing
In bringing Honor to the King.

Pre-Chorus + Chorus

Pre-Chorus + Chorus

Bridge:
We the redeemed
Hear us singing
You are Holy
You are Holy

I let go..

Knowledge is power! - Pastor Kong Hee

I know alotttt of people use that quote, but i like Pastor Kong's one. LOL!

Cos having Knowledge you obtain understanding, and from understanding you obtain wisdom.

and all that adds up to Intelligence :D

It took awhile, but theres improvement. :)
I finally understand why things happen the way it did.
hah! I found knowledge in the bible! and gotten my understanding!
Wisdom uhhh not that i can think of for now.. anyway!
So everything happened to me..
So i can actually finally accept myself and grow up and let go and forgive and well you get the picture..
Although It was a painful week~ It doesnt hurt as much anymore.
I think i finally accept it. :D
There are things I regret, and thank you-s I cannot say.
I pray for God bless those that I wish to thank!!! :) *say amen!*
Its a longgggg way to go for me to change my life.
But it's a new year, and since all things are possible.
i guess, Even someone as Emotional as I can find my right path.
I believe in it! Cos I ROCK! rofl! :) and I will endure it~ ♥
Whatever the future holds, I will hold onto God to lead me through it.
I still have my desires of course, so I'll always pray on those to be part of my future too.
For now, only time will clear my blurred future~
(unless i get some vision or dream tonight @.@)
I HAVE FOUND MY PEACE! yay! :')
And I still can become stronger, I guess time alone isnt that bad.
Especially when i spend it conquering my past and fears, and building myself up.

1 Peter 2: 4-5
" ⁴ As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him— ⁵ you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house"

Thats for the line i used earlier; Building myself up.
:D like living stones
Anyway..
"What doesnt kill us makes us stronger."
I was the one who was wrong, and i blamed others along with my past..
I just really hope the wrongs i did would someday be forgiven.
I know God forgives me :) but i feel guilty about those I have wronged.
Or maybe~ someday i can find the strength to fix it myself.
Yeah, I should. to connect the gaps in the relations I've destroyed.
Ah well, thats for another time.
Gotta improve myself first.
Next week college starts. :) cant wait..
church saturday!~ cant wait!
and the rest of the week~
I'll hold myself out :) and improveeee more ♥
and i think i'm gonna take up guitar lessons soon too~ ♥
I'm not happy i lost her due to my choice in the (bad) emotional path.
But it was what she did that made me strong. So like the bible said;
"I will bless those who blesses you."
And I hope you'll be bless abundantly.









You will never know how great of a gift you have given me.:')
.I.really.wish.i.could.thank.you.somehow.

Mine

My blog is my reassurance to myself :)
When I'm weak He makes me strong.
If i am weak, its like i'm sinning against God.
I know I need to learn to accept the circumstances.
In order to grow up and mature..
And I will.. It's what i want to do too..
I will change, I will accept and I will overcome.
I have an aim.. but i have no plan..
I need this, soo badly..
I've been trying everything...
But i did all that to forget, not accept...
I keep getting influenced by little things.
But I wont anymore. No more.
I accept my past and my present..
There is nothing left. And that's okay.. yeah..
That's okay! I'm still alive!
I've been lying to myself, I should stop..
It hurts.. but I just have to accept it..
I will be able to get through this.
What ever my future holds, is a plan by God.
I shouldnt doubt Him..
Still trying.. But i'll be okay,
Cos You Hold Me Now.. :')

No weeping, no hurt or pain.
No Suffering; You hold me now.

This is something i need to get through myself. & I will.
I will believe in myself, I am perfectly and wonderfully made after all. :)
God bless me..

Current Song:

You Hold Me Now - Hillsongs

VERSE 1:
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

PRE CHORUS 1:
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

CHORUS:
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

VERSE 2:
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

PRE CHORUS 2:
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

BRIDGE:
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name

Devotion

Dear God,
I am a sinner. I know I've left you.
I know I've sin against those who seek only good of me.
I know my pride is higher than my love for you.
I beg for your mercy and forgiveness.
For your embrace is my refuge.
Your arms are the walls that protect me.
The words i've cursed, the wrongs I've done.
I lay before you. You gave your son for me.
And I have left your presence for that of the world.
I know now my sins.
I know I greed for more than what has been given me.
I know the dream you've set in me,
But i left you, and now i am wounded.
I humble myself to you now, My king.
Bless those who i have wronged.
Forgive me of my treason.
I beg in your presence, oh father.
Let me return to thee,
Oh lord, I know i deserve not your mercy.
Your everlasting love and gentle heart.
You paid every price for me, all that i cant repay.
Let me be yours now, I will not wrong You again. father...
I will not wrong you again.
In the name of Jesus Christ,
I submit and devote myself to you with this prayer.
In Jesus's name I pray... Amen..