Haunting Memories

Memories..
This post is just a shard of the past I wish to record.
They haunt my thoughts and i guess writing it out would be better.. maybe

Lately I feel like i've been distant...
like extremely far away from everyone i use to know.

But i remember them, i remember each and every one of them very well..
And to think most things that happen in my life is due to the internet. ahaha

I remember when i was like 11, when i first got on the social site: Neopets.
That's where I learnt most of the stuff i know now..

I remember meeting Evenex, a japanese girl living in the NZ..
her and her friends in the anime guild, taught me soo much on animes.. :|
then at the neopets message board i met,

Jeanjadeonguitar whose a very awesome girl from the UK.
she was also kinda like my first girlfriend, lol if it actually counts.. not really sure since I was still kinda too young to understand much.. but there were a lot of drama and with the hacking of her account, we were left with no communication.. tho somehow i wish i could still contact her.. :\

I also met Annaangel, a girl from australia who was really upbeat and energetic. fun girl to chat with.. lost contact with her long time ago tho..

I also met Meg and Melia who were also australian.. both ended up being my foster sisters. lol! they're both amazing girls actually. :) but dont contact them anymore.

Case was an american who was into the whole emo stuff.. and also into Roleplaying. she was the one who taught me how to write n roleplay in the forums and roleplaying boards... a few months after meeting her, she lost her life to pressure and personal problems .__.

mikilove who was a fan of everything japanese and from m'sia as well.. she was actually my first real foster big sis :) she taught me loads..

got on friendster. then i met mikilove's friend Aaveli, whose a very creative gal who know stuff like art and photoshop and stuff...

that was during my teenage time, i got into the whole emo, dark, goth phase of life.

I also met Zoe, off friendster if i'm not mistaken. m'sian, and also a fellow blogger. ahaha :) she became one of my best friends even though we never chat much. she's still an awesome person! :D

and also Lynnds, m'sian. :) i love how she send my a postcard and a keychain! (though the keychain was stolen by the postman :\ ) but its the thought that counts! and she's just a truly amazing person! she's also another person who's been one of my close friends for a long time... that we pretty much havent been contacting lately :(

I got a youtube account met, Kyuuka, who taught/show the basic of anime music video editing.

Eventually all this got me into the whole Visual Kei (japanese rock) love~

Got into gaming, animes, video editing, music and pretty much just isolating myself from the whole world..

Played auditionSEA met an awesome Singaporean girl on there, Wen. who was in polytechnic at the time and does 3D design and stuff :) I still have the christmas postcard she send to me... along with the @cash clothes she gave on my bday on Audition.. ahaha! ahh~ stuff like these make me feel so old now! :| we stopped contacting a long time ago too..

That was when i was a teenager, i din have any real friends in real life.. lol..

mostly just online...

I then met Adel , my brother's friend's sister through.
who was the same age as me, and became my best friend, she's the only one i think that still contacts me just as much as she did back then.

I met her friend kiwi, who eventually i got into a relationship with..
but then after a while we just broke apart..

I was having my family problem at that time too.. and i was still very emotional. so yeahhhh..
We contact less n less and now we barely even contact at all..

my 2nd real life girlfriend was TCH, she was an amazing girl, into anime drawing.. I adored her, i admired her.. a relationship bought off by chocolates and a manga book.
but we were young, and things ended worse than bad..
only recently we started contacting again... abit at least.

When i was 16.. it was also then that i made my group of friends of which i still hang out with right now.

actually, tats when i met my bestfriend too. my Blurfriend.
i didnt know she would become my bestie at all at first..
She's like totally awesome and retro. Vintage even. Our friendship was actually kinda up and down in its own way, and sorta weird but still interesting at the time xD She's the kind of girl whose into Sepia photos, rainbow umbrellas, cute things, dresses, high heels, sweets and is somewhat blur yet very understanding. But all in all, she is an amazing girl.. and remains as my first real best friend in real life. :) Although we dont actually contact much anymore... the time we did, is worth more than anything.
ahaha! u're awesome BF! ;)

I also met a girl from the afternoon session who uses the same class i use in the morning session in secondary school... surprisingly JessieL, use to goto the same tuition as me as well as the primary and secondary school, we started contacting cos we shared the same table in the morning n afternoon session. we would actually vandalize the school table with our artworks to communicate with one another. x) it was a fun experience and one i really miss!! we ended up being the best of foster siblings and altho life as drifted her across the sea for studies, we still remain close friends

I got into my 3rd real relationship when i was 17...
it was probably the best year of my life.. ahaha.. the entire up and down process was tiresome, stressful, rewarding and overall amazing.
I dont know how to put it.. it was just a great experience to have, despite the bad ending :\ uhmm din contact for a while after the whole thing..

there are also the people i meet in church of which i truly care, admire, lookup to and adore. the ones that really boosted my confidence in life. although I might have overstep my boundary most of the time, I'm grateful to have had the chance to spend those moments of my life with them.
It was fun, and the memories will forever remain pure...
I stopped contacting with them as well..

actually after that breakup I became more distant with the people around me even more..

I met Destiny online as well, she was a very energetic, cute girl, whose always misunderstood or taken advantage of. or at least from my view. she became one of my best friends tho! I dont know how that happened but yeah. she's into gaming and anime and now deciding to join cosplay club or not? ue shud definitely go for it! ahahaha.. she's still one of my best friend now and actually still keeps in contact :D

I met JiaCheng ( i dunno how to pinyin properly ) ahaha.. another amazing girl. who although is only younger than me by 3months calls me big bro. from Sabah~ :D and currently works at Singapore. I dont really know her that well.. but I can tell that she's a strong girl who can do whatever she wants to ^^

I met Zianne on fb. :) one of my best friend at the time. into the whole cosplay, anime, emogoth, jrock fandom! :D totally awesome.. at the time she was like a complete role model to me .__. ahaha just awesome.. although... we seem to be contacting less and less... cant be helped i guess..

I also met Momo, a girl who was suffering from depression at Japan.
a cute and creative little girl, whose been through more than the average people. a person who could've become more sinister and dark than i use to be. o__o but i'm glad throughout the time we chat, she was able to get better in time.. and have a happy life now? :)  one of my fav person, even tho we dont contact much anymore. :(

Sora added me on fb via the random friend finder thingy.. he was an interesting person. and also the 4th Japanese i met online ahahax~ a very good looking guy with great personality. actually i think all japanese have great personality o__o or at least the ones thats got internet.. heh..
and to find that he actually know Zianne, was interesting.. its like fate.

Sora's sister Ayuko added me on fb soon after, we would then become friends and chat about actually..
anything and everything. she was an easy person to talk to.. we got into a long distant relationship, at the time i guess i didn't know what i was getting myself into, but it was also like nothing could feel more like destiny than that moment... I admired her. she was adventurous, kind, innocent, loving and just strong. a person who lived life to the fullest with no regrets. Her personality were traits I always 

admired. she was everything I had been looking for. :) and to have met her was just amazing.

but after Ayuko's passing.. I just drew myself even more further away from the people around me.

I always.. ALWAYS keep myself away from the people around me when i feel horrible. I dont know why, its just the way i am i guess... or maybe its just something life taught me.

But one thing i do know is.. although I dont stay in contact with everyone as much anymore, doesnt mean I forget about them.. there are actually alot of people that isn't mentioned here..

Actually the people mentioned here are mostly only the friends i met through the internet and caused a huge impact in my life even if in just a small way.

I do know one thing, I love music, and thats the one thing that every one on this post have in common.. ahahax everyone has more or less the same taste in music i like~ :)

I love my friends, each and every one of them.

I love my life, although there are parts i wish i could change.... but its still life..

And when the time comes, I will leave this country and find myself a new life to lead fully..

I dont know where, when or how..

But I believe there are greater things for me out in the world.
which is why.. in a way i dont get too close to the people around me..

I dont want to have to feel regret when I'm leaving this place..
I dont want to have to feel like i have a reason to stay.
I just want to leave it all behind and start a new life...

Its hard to understand, I'm hard to understand. I dont even understand myself.

But I know that, everything happens for a reason. Although sometimes the way it happens seems completely wrong or just completely in-comprehensive but thats just the way it is..

I understand now.. and its with this post, i lay my memories here..
forever safe kept within my blog domain and to never haunt my nights again.

At some point i guess i still wish i could spend time with everyone..
Singing through the phone, Dancing on an online game, Walking from Star cineplex to 3rd mile, drinking chocolate milkshake at our hangout, shopping for gives, sharing icecream at the local icecream store, walking under the pouring rain, storytelling on a forum/board, writing back to back storyblogs, exchanging artwork through vandalism, communicating through music, art and pictures.. etc. etc. etc...

ahh~ i miss it~ But then.. i guess that's why they are special to me..
Cos they are memories with certain people at a certain time that will make me remember them forever. :)


I am a multimedia artist, i work online and with my computer.

And the internet. is my domain~ :B

I meant it when I said..

I havent been sleeping well lately.

Feel like I'm being haunted by my thoughts heh..

For the past 2 weeks I've been killing myself over the Ayuko's passing.

but how can I not? :(

It's been 2months and the wounds have not healed.

She was the type of girl that would never betray another.

She was probably the type of girl I've wanted all along,

faithful, adventurous, kind, playful, loving, supportive and independent

we share pretty much all the same things,

fav animal being cats, fav color purple, etc. etc.

I was the person who made her fairytale fantasy a reality

but she was the person who made my love-life fantasy possible.

sadly, the fantasy was short-lived..

but I nothing I've done in my life was as meaningful
as the time I've spent with her.

Sure, it was a long-distance relationship, but to have it reach the height it did.

I thought maybe it would last forever. but.. it didn't..

and over the past 2months I haven't been to church
except on Sundays,even then I don't feel anything.

see, during the time she was ill. I spend most of my days praying and stuff.

but the ending, there was no miracles.

How can God, who is said to be loving and merciful take such a pure and innocent person?

...she was happy when she passed on.

She couldn't bare seeing her family in pain,
nor could she continue living in pain.

I've never met a person more pure or strong as her.

I don't know if it was due to the sickness
or because it's just the way she is,but I fell in love with her.

It pains me to know that maybe 40% of the people on this planet doesn't deserve their long-life as she deserved hers. Even I don't deserve this life.

I mean, I've looked for death before, its clear that I don't value my life much.

I've been blaming myself and beating myself up
cos I feel like I could've done more.

or how much better it could have ended but it didn't.

now I'm just a complete mess..
and its probably an emotion no one else can ever understand :\

sigh..

Long Time Coming...

So its been a longgg while since i last updated.

Nothing much happened tho..

I went to KL for my brother's wedding registration.

Uhmm helped him snap some pics.

Although I dont really like it there, its good.. i mean a vacation after the hectic semester.. lol

got myself 2 Model Kits

HG Methuss

HG Hyaku Shiki + Mega Bazooka Launcher

got myself a new watch too~ A Vincci watch ;D

Overall i guess it was a good trip.

Upon reaching back to Kuching, I saw the head of my college arts and design faculty.

lol~ waved at him as he waved back..

That's like the only wave we communicate actually, we just wave at each other.

Cos i've never been his students in any of my subs so its like awkward.

but he knows me, n i know him. LOL

uhmm yeahh..

during my stay at KL during the time when I got nothing to do.

I would switch on my laptop and watch

Shiki

which is now one of my fav horror/vampire anime :D

And thats pretty much it for my KL trip..
nothing much really.. ahaha..


hmm i've watched a bunch of movies during my holidays..
uhmmm went to watch

Battleship

 yeahh.. hmmm nothing much to say on this one.
Good story, nice graphics, interesting take on the original Battleship game.
8/10

Lockout


Good storyline, nice graphics.
cool characters and a story with a starting and an ending, no cliffhangers.
8/10


Cabin In The Woods
 

Its genre is horror.. BUT it felt more like a comedy..
or rather a Scooby Doo rip off.. only without the dog. lol
horrible horror movie, good comedy:
5/10

cos I was looking forward to a horror movie.. not comedy



The Avengers

Its not bad.. i'd give it
7/10

The Hulk is awesome. LOL


Ghost Buddies

Malaysian movie, starring Mark Lee
Comedy.. funny... and lame :)
6/10


then at home i watched 3 more movies,


Intruders

Interesting Storyline, a little freaky.
A horror movie children would be able to watch :)
7/10

Shutter Island

Genre: Psychological/Thriller , starring Leonardo DiCaprio.
Its kinda creepy. I can imagine how nice it would be if i saw it at the cinema.
interesting storyline, freaky characters. a little confusing.
7/10
Only cos I've watched The Jacket, which for me is still the best Psychological film

Thir13en Ghosts

A classic, downloaded it cos my friend wanted to watch.
I loved this movie when it first came out. and rewatching it. made me love it just the same :)
Check it out. its a classic. and completely worth watching.
8.5/10

What I've learned from all the horror movies I watched is...

EVERY HORROR MOVIE WILL HAVE THAT SPECIAL MOMENT.

Every horror movie would always have that one moment when they give you the highest depth of horror in the film.
That one scene that would make you remember the movie for a very long time.

It could be a disgusting act, eerie makeup, freaking sound, watever. it will make you remember the film!

Here are some examples!
Dont read any further if you're screamish or scared :P
Also~ pictures aren't as scary as in the movie :)

Example 1: Mirror (2008), The girl who tore her own jaw off by reflection.

Example 2: The Shinning (1997 remake), The lady in the bath tub.

Example 3: Final Destination 3 (2006), Nailed by a nail gun.

 

Thats all For Horror!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


uhmm yeahhh... played and finished a new game.

Kingdom Of Amalur: Reckoning

Its fun and worth checking out.
But not fun enough to be re-played.
still worth playing tho.. Took me only a week to finish..
Comparing it to my one month of playing Skyrim... Reckoning has failed in comparison.
6/10


and that's pretty much it.
nothing new :)

BROKEN

In response to my previous post.

My group mate didn't their part of their assignment..
SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE A MONTH AGO..
Isn't Complete.

My whole time schedule of finishing all my assignments on time without stress completely messed up cos of the extra 3 hours I have to spend on this.

Now i reallyyyy feel like jumping off a mountain.
Seriously? seniors? so irresponsible? zz...

MOOD: UNHAPPY, On-the-verge-of-breaking-down-completely

I'm what I've overcome

So its already the Thursday, my semester ends tomorrow (Friday). Yessss~
Cant wait for holidays..

Uhmm so I went for the tuition teaching on tues.
LOL only had 2 students mmhmm..
Its fun in its own sense. but its a little weird.
Knowing that the students are well, about 3 - 7 years younger than me only :\
But anyway its a good experience..
Tho, seeing the level of english of secondary students nowadays.
Its kinda.... uhmm unnatural.
Its like I completely don't understand what teachers are teaching their students in school nowadays.
Its fun in its own way. Abit stressful when seeing their standard.
I mean seriously, how can you improve a person's language...
It improves from daily activities, the more u do it, the more you understand it.
So i just gave them a short essay and some objective questions to do on the first day.
Communication ain't bad, i mean at least they ask whatever they don't understand.
But, I've been thinking after that lesson that maybe I'm not cut out for the job. ahaha!
I've never been that great of a teacher.
I mean the only thing I taught someone that ended up being a success was drawing ._.
English is like.. uhhh kind of hard to teach.
That and being called "老师" sends chills down my spine. LOL!
I'm not that old! :( ahahaha!
Uhh yeahh.. I'll probably stick to it for about a month and see how it goes first. :)

In other news, today is the animation presentation!
COMPLETELY UNSURE OF MY GROUP'S PROCESS ON THE ASSIGNMENT.
Hope its finished on time. our all of us is dead.
I really don't understand why must it be group work :(
I mean if it was for report i understand, but for designs is a bit weird.
Considering the fact that everyone has their own way of designing their stuff.
There will be disagreement and consequences.
In group sometimes its hard for people actually learn for themselves,
instead lead them into the way of shoving their work to one of the group members.
I just really don't understand it.. but whatever.
Just hope it can be finished on time.
I don't care about it anymore.

ahhhhhhhh... so i guess you'd probably already know that I'm not feeling well lately.
I mean you can completely tell, from my previous blog post. ahaha
At some point, I feel like I could just go on top the highest mountain in kuching and jump off it.
Feeling the cool breeze, the fast altitude drop that makes it hard to breath and the ears to bleed, and just feel alive at that final moment before it all ends. :\

ahahaha! freakin negative eh? yeahhh...
Maybe I'd get a job as a Shinigami too :) that might be fun. lol~
I dont even know what i'm saying anymore. I'm just soo unstable lately.
I need a day to just completely breakdown into nothingness.
and find myself again the following days.
Like a snake shedding its skin after completing its digestion of its food.
I need the holidays to come... ASAP..
One more day to go... then I'd be able to just completely fall to pieces. :)

:) thats all i have to update. thanks for reading.



Fireflight - What I've Overcome..
This use to be my fav song of all time :) by one of my top fav Chiristan Rock Band.

If only you could see me yesterday, Who I used to be before the change.
You'd see a broken heart, You'd see the battle scars...
Funny how words can't explain, How good it finally feels to break the chains..
I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome!

Mirror Mirror On the Wall...

Life works in mysterious ways.

I'm going to start working tomorrow. mainly just for experience.
As a english tuition teacher. lol~ I seriously feel a bit crazy to actually accept such a job o.O

Ahh anyway hmm.. I went for a movie last week :)
Mirror Mirror ahahax~ not a movie i'd usually watch but... okaye...
and then did most of my homework and assignment already.
Should be able to get everything ready for the pass up by week's end.
Soo yeah~ Its all good..

Uhmm i'm not sure what to write or say really..
I've been quite confused..
like saturday night, i broke down cos I was well u know emotional.
due to thinking too much i guess, the usual stuff like..
How did I end up like this~ even if I can have a great future will I have someone to share it with?
yeahh.... emotional.. My thoughts have been hectic.
But I guess that cant be helped.
Still waiting for that moment when I'd get through all this emotional phases and just get into an emotionless, no feelings, life.

I guess I kinda feel like I dont want to get too attached or close to people at this moment,
cos its like I'm gonna leave kuching soon, and leave malaysia soon too hopefully.
and thoughts like that makes me feel like I shouldnt get too attached,
or I might actually miss it here, or miss the people here, the places here.
I guess that's why i've been emotional lately eh.
All I do is focus on the bad points, because I don't want the good points to hold me down.

Forcing myself to suffer?
Oh yes I am. I just really hate it here, the memories. my past. oh gawd, i hate my past.
No amount of happiness or goodness of my present life can ever over weigh the weight of my past.
I wanna leave, I wanna get away. I want to start a new..

I remember when i was young, i thought of running away and living in a jungle or something. hehe. I guess maybe cos I watched peter pan when i was young. LOL!
But yeah, I always dream of running away.
I've always been the odd one out, ever since kindergarten all the way to lower secondary school.
For the way I talk, wrote, was... people were not ready for an emotional person like me I guess.
But now look at me, I'm one of the best in my class.
I have plenty of good friends. my life isn't that bad right now.
But still.. I want to leave it all behind, for a dream of living a new life.. :)

I just want to get away.. uhmm yeah.. thats pretty much it.. :)

Skip To The Ending?

Well.. its been a longggg time since my last blog post.. heh

I miss my bloggie..


Anyway~
I've been busy spending 80% of my time at college finishing up my assignment.
And now i'm actually almost done with it all, and with 2 weeks left to spare before the pass up date.
Feels like i'm already on holiday~
ahahaha Monday (9/4) was the last day i went out to my assignment with C.
Of course~ we ended up not doing it..
actually.. we ended up going for Sushi king bonanza around noon.
Walked around later on.. and ended up at star cineplex watching

"孩子不坏 We not naughty"
had fun laughing at the movie, uhmm yeahh.. ahaha~ its nice ya know?
finishing up assignments n hanging out with my best buddy in college relaxing in a cinema hall.
ahahah the movie is goodddd~ uhmm.. its a story i can relate... heh..
sighhh~ really really can relate. :( but i guess that's why its good :) mehh check it out yourself.

uhmm yeahh~
LAST WEEK~
hmm went for a few family dinners... uhmm
went to this cafe called, Railway, near my house o_O
which sold epic huge western burgers and fries, chicken chop etc.. and weirdly enough
japanese food as well as, chinese food. uhmm yeah..
But its cute little cafe.. lol~ tho its quite hard to find o__o!
definitely gonna head there again next time :D

Skip the next part if you're not into toy models :)

Last Monday after classes came home and went for guitar class.
after that me n feng headed over to HKT.. cos its been a long time since we last went there.
.__. and it completely overtook me.. cos..
they had the entire HG (1/144) Char mobile suits in stock D:

From Char's original Zaku
to his Z'gok
Gelgoog
Sazabi

But of course i'll be going to KL end of month, so the prices for these stuff there are cheaper.
mehh we'll see... :)




Last thursday, me n C did our assignment from 8am - 9pm.
kinda torturing our lecturer with questions before she leaves for her thailand holiday.
around 5pm, we headed home awhile before coming back for the night class.
got to meet up with Grace. lol! its like been a longggg time since i last chat with her.
I think it was like my first semester that i actually talked to her.
till now which is like my 3rd last semester. O.O
so yeahh~ chatted about random stuff.. including Titanic 3D -_-
ahahaha~ not an interesting topic, but surprisingly she likes titanic.
And was asking for people's opinion cos everyone says its a waste of money.
uhmm~ i gave her the same comment. :X wahaha~
For good friday and easter weekend.
uhmm yeahh... i spent it doing my assignments :(
but its all worth it :)


hmm~ i guess thats it... Havent had the chance to meet up with MY yet. :(
hope i get the chance soon~~ ahaha. :B hopefully this holidays? xD
uhmm my twin's bday is next week ~_~ still not sure what to do :S
la la la~~ loads of movies coming up that i wanna watch~

Games

uhmmm hmmm~ ohhh! Bought a bunch of classic games simply because they're cheap and I need something to do for my 2+month holidays ( I LOVEEE NOT HAVING EXAMS!).
Such as

Rogue Galaxy

Which is a Role Playing Game, but its about Space pirates, so the whole setup just makes me think of..... Treasure Planet XD which is just awesome!



Uhmm its actually quite hard to play, but the storyline isn't bad.
The english dub isn't that bad either.
and it comes with a large group of weird yet interesting characters.


So overall its good and worth playing.. and of course a good time consumer.
No where near the best PS2 RPG~ PERSONA tho..
But lets face it, nothing can compare to that xD


2ndly I got this cuteee game called
OKAMI

which the graphics is drawn with those chinese paint brushes
and they talk in echoed gibberish.. and with cute japanese spirit characters.
Its the story of how the wolf spirit Okami fights again the evil snake demon Orochi.
One of the oldest Japanese myth ever. :)

3rd we have
Armored Core
A robot fighting game.. this one is reallyyyy hard to play..
But uhmm its still nice? ahaha.. havent really played it yet.
Been too hooked onto Rogue Galaxy.

And finally we got,
State Of Emergency 2


which is kinda like a comic book style of Grand Theft Auto.
But with more storyline and style.. and its more arcade style above all else.
A good game to just get into and whack the heck out of officers and gangsters.



OVERALL

I think thats pretty much it.. :)
ahaha~ I still get sad from time to time..
But overall I'm still content with my life...
Still unsure of what the future holds... But for right now.. its not half bad..
I still get lonely at times :( but thats unavoidable i guess?

I'm kinda just hope feelings like this go away in time..
I dont say it openly but my mind has been set on the fact that maybe;

Happiness is just an illusion.
Which makes me feel as though nothing is really important anymore.

aha~ :) thats all i have to post..
Thanks for reading ^^







EXTRA

Oh, last month.. Poema had a Q&A video,
they posted on facebook asking people if they had any questions they want answered.
I posted asking them,

"what kind of guys do you 2 like? or is it all completely the same as the song boys and bugs?"

and they answered it in their video :) ahahax~ its kinda cute how they answered xD
and actually reminded of my mabz cos we chatted about the same thing at that time.

Check it out.



For those who dont know the song;
Boys and Bugs by Poema

LYRICS:

Verse 1:
I like boys that like to smile
and laugh at themselves once in a while
that can sit and talk for hours
and in the morning, pick me flowers
boys that like to be very clean
that are never ever mean
and can tell a witty joke
boys that do not like to smoke

Chorus:
One day I'll find you (X4)

Verse 2:
I like boys that aren't afraid of bugs
that will always give me big warm hugs
like to sing and play guitar
that are happy being who they are
boys that like to be outside
and that aren't full of pride
boys that have an honest passion
with at least a slight hint of fashion

Verse 3:
Boys that are funny and artistic
that are mostly optimistic
boys that are not very lazy
a little weird but not too crazy
boys that aren't afraid to cry
that will always give a second try
and will try to do their best
i want a boy not like the rest