Wow..
The year just seem to have pass me by.
I dont even know what happened the entire time..
Christmas has passed..
Otanjoubi Omedeto Kirisuto, Iesu...
(Happy Birthday Christ, Jesus...)
hmm..
So I didnt do much really.. ahahax.. Pst actually asked me to help out.. but I rejected..
I guess, due to last Christmas, I wasnt really into the whole festive thingy this year.
Pfft. still living by emotions? oh yes I am.. :(
Reality, its a cruel and frightening thing.
What did i receive from X-mas?
uhmm a bunch of greetings, loads of sweet words and friendship poetry.
hmm, thats pretty much it..
had a great dinner with mum on X-mas eve tho.. :)
yeah, while everyone was out going for movies, dating, countdowns, events, etc.
I was at home enjoying Animes and good food with my mum.
ahahax.. I dont really do much with her..
I guess, its normal for family to not really spend time together :\
But i do cherish the moments we have, even if just for a little while.
Hmm, Christmas.
Well, lately I only sleep at 4am, and wake at 12..
so My christmas was really meaningless.
and I guess the honest truth is I didn't want to give it meaning.
I know its the birth of Christ, and a day to rejoice.
But I just couldnt move myself to do so.
I chose what I always chose, to shy away and just remain in my own shadow.
I went to church during the evening..
Have a bunch of laughs, and amazing moments.
But my heart, my soul just wasnt completely there.
Oh how sinful I've become. heh..
A smile is definitely easy to fake..
and hiding from the world is definitely easy.
I've been thinking a lot lately...
like how I want to proceed with my life.
Is doing this or that more worth it.
Should I or should I not.
Indecisiveness still cloud my better judgement
Oh how I dislike choosing my own fate.
I guess... that's my own fault. :\
Should I just let go of all these emotions and just grow up.
Accepting the world as it is and start living my life as I should...?
I'm soo well confined and content with my comfort zone.
I've not felt the need to move..
But I know that reality will soon chase up to me, and all these will be gone.
I just want this moment to last..
It may not be the best moments, but it certainly ain't the worse.
These moments with no worries, no troubles, numbed feelings...
One might look at it as a child's lifestyle..
Perhaps it is..
Should I move.. or should I stay until there's nothing left of this place?
Yeah, these have all been haunting me the past few days.
I know what I am, I know who I am, I know my strengths and my weaknesses.
I know what is to become of this place if I were to remain..
I'm back at a crossroad..
A very comfortable crossroad at that..
a crossroad of undefined thoughts, undefined dreams and immature feelings.
Even if I was to take the right direction now,
I can already feel the temptation of returning here would creep at me everyday.
Should I run further into the darkness..?
No, I aint that stupid. I know what dead end awaits me there.
But..
I'm afraid.. ahaha, though I know very well, that no one's gonna hold my hand through this.
Reality... a world I must choose to face alone.
Choices... decisions I never dare to choose again..
2012...
End of the world..? nay.. End of my world.
I dont even know why I bother battling with myself, knowing my choice.
I wasn't raised a fool. Regrets, pain, doubts... whatever.
I'm gonna redo my life the right way this time.
With however much time I have left.
I choose to be... a new me... :)
like I said, i can already feel the temptations creeping at me..
ahahax.. clinging on to this little tiny bit of faith left in this lifeless doll of a body..
I choose to be your doll, a puppet in your hands..
Will I be good enough?
no, I wont be. But I'll be the best that I can be.. :)
\\ see I can be positive too! without losing my own personality.
I await this weekend, a Thanks giving for this new perspective of mine...
I give to thee... all I am... for all of you... :)
No more false claims... no more wrong decisions... no more sins...
~This Time I Wont Give Up~
FIGHT-O!
ehehe ^_^ off to bed, Jaa ne!
