The Way

Its been awhile since i last posted,
But i always seem to find my way back here..

It'd seem that I still find most peace when in the comfort of pretty words and creative sentences.

I've been... dying from lack of sleep lately,
due to the sudden change of sleeping time cos of work.
working 6 full days a week is a killer!

and having 3 amazingggg church service to attend from Thurs till Sat.. was just like,
being sooo tired that I can no longer sleep.. and when I do sleep, it'd be time for me to get up..

It'd appear that I've entered the working life..
and I dont like the feel of it..
Dont get me wrong, the place I'm working at is totally awesome, friendly colleagues, stressful jobs on some days, simple jobs on other days..

I just dont like knowing that i've already reached the age where I actually have to work..
If I could, I'd glady live without money than to have to work as if money is everything..
I dislike how people in this world only picture money as everything.

But if it's not, what else is there..
Apparently, God... as always when there's no answer, He's the answer..
and here I am again in His presence, a lost black sheep..
and my mind's been pulling me left and right, up and down.. in a vertigo.
Illusions and misdirections, I'm lost...
But I've found my way.. and I've finally decided on what I want to do..
or rather what I have to do..
something more, something new.. something.. different.. unique..
something that'll bring me up spirit above all else..
something that's out of this world, something that'll lead me out of these earth-bound chains..

~ So let the new year come and set a platform for my new found resolution and resolve ~

Meaning of Life

So the meaning to life is to just live it. Yeah, i know its the worse meaning ever.
But i get it now, there's nothing.. completely nothing at all!
I mean really, what would you do if you were to die now and find out that there's no other side,
There's only darkness. pure darkness. with you feeling yourself drift away into nothingness.
Vanish completely without a trace of existence, and within coming days be completely wiped from the world.
Completely and utterly forgotten, just another gravestone in the field where no one weeps for.
That's it, that is all there is. There's no remedy nor cure nor magic or witchcraft that could stop the coming end. No object to fill the emptiness of such a dreaded fate.
There's nothing, there's only the silence of death. Pure Silence.
No voice. No sound. No soul. Just a passing energy within the void we call earth.
Sure, you can fight for your life. I mean that's probably the only way to go.

Since there's nothing else, that's all there is. To fight, to find, to create immortality.
To be able to be remembered after death, to be written down throughout the years of history.
It doesn't matter if the contents are good or evil. Surely these moralities are irrelevant in the void of death.
And it goes without saying that this world and its temptations are but illusions we give ourselves.
All simply because we corrupt one another into believing that life is about pleasure and pain, redemption and suffering, love and hate, compassion and anger.
Refusing.. denying that the fact of the matter is.. at the end, there is only death.
We write, we crave, we feel, we hope, we breath and we wish for immortality to be given to us.
No matter how flawed or horrible it may be, we crave to be undying.
For all the fears of a human beings are linked to death.
Even the suicidal ones are but doing it in fear of death.
its inevitable. Its life. And life leads to death, nothing more, nothing less.
we lie, we cheat, and we pray. But there's nothing there.
The world is just a hollow shell.
Empty... utterly empty..
There is no real meaning to life, its just a passing moment.
Like a puddle dried up by the sun, so shall our life be delivered unto death.
Breath in and breath out. A passing energy, a passing wind. That's all there is, that final breath..
The breath of death that lingers, without a host or body,
Death remains eternal while life remains hollow.

Clockworks

I'm still threading on a path that leads to places unseen.
Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days.
I'm lost in a world where time seems to pass so slow.

The uneasy feeling of someone is watching me.
like there's a shadow outside my windows.
hearing whispers of words i cannot comprehend.
I scream my silent screams throughout the night,
asking for an answer, a path.. a reason.
A reason for this life that was given me.
But again to no avail, no answers were given.
It would seems that I'm nothing more than entertainment to a higher power,
who has yet to give and perhaps never will give meaning to my life.

Oh how I wish the end days would arrive soon..
to see fire and brimstone fall upon the earth,
I've completely fallen away from God, I fear.
I'm a sinner with thoughts that stretches throughout the genres of all 7 sins..
Well.. 6 sins.. for I feel no greed. I just don't see the point of such earthly things.
However, I lust for power. I'm hungry for attention.
I envy the wicked and the good, I want destruction I want war.
My ego is at a point where I no longer feel obliged to care for those around me.
It's as though all the people around me have lost their values.
they perspective, their thoughts, their tiny little plans for their tiny little life..
I care no more, I tire of the selfish ways of everyone around me.
Hypocrites they are, every last one of them.

21 years I've waited, 21 long years.. for a meaning, a reason, a truth.
and I have perhaps another 40? 50? 60? 80? more years of life to go..
am I to continue waiting through out these long years?
for no reason at all.. I wait, waiting for something to just come and tell me what my purpose in life is.
But I'm tired, soo tired.. 21 almost 22 years have passed..
and I've yet to see any sign or reason for this planet for the human race.
I've held out soo long because I've seen the good in people for a time.
but it has degraded.. the entire human race has degraded and some devolved.

through living this daily life, I've seen, I've heard..
I've felt more hatred than I've ever felt before.
I just cant see the good in people anymore.
I cant see the good in anything.
I fear, I've gone insane through days/months without company..
yet its in these lonely days that I've found.. knowledge.
and like how the clockworks ticks, so does my heart beat beats.
without feelings or thinking too deep, it'll stop beating its rhythmic tick-tock-tick.

My path in the world today

(This post about my thoughts of the state of the world today, especially here in Malaysia. After all the shootings and deaths and declining currency rate. There's really nothing left for me to do but to rant about it.)

There's a dark path in life that many dare not travel. 

And it is on this path that I'm journeying upon. 

There is a void in the darkness here, but there is also peace. 

a serenity that somehow brightens this tiny part of my heart.

It is on this trail that I found dreams within suffering.

hope within the darkness, a tiny spark of happiness within ignorance.

Oh~ the creativity of the imaginative mind.

From which came so many amazing and wondrous works of art.

It was here on this path of my life,

that I learnt to fear the horrible poisoned bite of reality.

But no more. No more will I let this poison course through my veins.

Reality is a trick, a broken dimension, a vast mistake created by the fear of mankind.

Like wolves, reality bite and consumes the weak minded and causes rabies to take over.

Turning whats left of human freedom, human creativity into dust.

Like shackles and chains it binds the minds, 

pushing it to a corner, forcing it to live like a zombie of society.

Shoving our imperfection to the limit where people embrace it as being 'normal'.

I've tried 'normal', I've tried to be one of it for very long.

But it just wasn't me. oh no~ I'm definitely of the abnormal.

And all those who've deemed me below them, I've shrugged them off.

They fear change, they fear abnormality. 

All because, it doesnt correspond with the reality that has poisoned their life.

Such pathetic souls they have, to be bound by such chains.

Are these people worthy to be saved? to be enlightened?

Perhaps. But it is not my duty to save them.

Oh no~ to save is to fight, and God knows I'm no fighter.

I'm too destructive to save anyone.

The world has yet to be enlightened to see the greatness of their minds.

And they may never will. The world grows strong with these illusions of reality day after day.

They tighten their chains with each passing second. 

Until all dreams are shattered and all that's left is hopelessness.

I tell you this, the death of a man is not when he dies or when his lifestyle is jeopardize,

The death of the man is when he let the reality of the world control his every move.

When all he strive for is to be a good citizen of a normal society.

Where he dares not dream, dare not vision, dare not be confident.

That is the death of the modern man. Death by fear of abnormality.

These shackles are what will rain chaos upon this land when apocalypse comes.

Are you really certain you're capable of survival if all you believe in is the society?

the governments that tell you 'everything is fine' when wars being to erupt country by country?

Are you really capable of survival if the world were to fall into chaos?

Where systems will fail, and people being to break down into pieces of filth.

Filth that riots, rape, kill, steal and destroy everything you've believed in.

Pushing you yet to another corner where you believe to survive is to be like them?

Oh~ how the mighty human race has fallen!

These news we see everyday,
 it tells of how much us humans have become completely barbaric.

Animals even. What ever happened to the class and the pride of humanity?

Are these walking dead all that's left of the human race?

Countries everywhere plagued with destruction, deaths, murders, greed, bankruptcy, etc.

Everything are but a means to an end.

Unless someone is willing to take up the flag and uprise a new nation.

The human race is just going to deteriorate and fall into eternal darkness.

In our day and age right at this moment,

Where people are completely throwing away all pride and turning into animals.

I start to think that it'd be better if we had someone who would be willing to change the world.

To bring it into total balance and under one rule, 

similar to what Adolf Hitler wanted to do when he ignited the fire of World War II.

Did you know that Adolf Hitler was an artist?

A great painter he was.. But shun by society and rejected from art school again and again.

Living in poverty, he was alone, he was angry, he was an artist.

Then he enlisted into WW1 and became a Hero, 

An artist in his greatest low, turned hero from the bloods that he shed through his anger. 

Then he betrayed his country, failed. Got thrown into prison.

Wrote a book in prison, started a propaganda, got himself an underground army.

Took over Germany and half the world.

Do you see the strength of the creative mind?

He painted artworks with great creativity, rejected. 

He painted the plains with blood of the soviets and became a Hero.

And to exact his revenge he took over his home country with literature and poetry of a book.

Oh but alas~ He died a beautiful suicidal death. 

A pity, the world today could use a person with such anguish and ambition.

Too bad, I dont see this world worth saving, or I might just take up that banner of reformation.

In the greatest words of 

H.P. Lovecraft

"Heaven knows where I'll end up - but it's a safe bet that I'll never be at the top of anything! Nor do I particularly care to be."

And with that I end my rant of this broken world.

In hopes that someone would arise and reform it before it burns any longer.

Peace out readers.

Heil Zeon
"Sieg Zeon! Rise, our people, Rise! Take your sorrow, and turn it into anger!

 Zeon thirsts for the strength of its people!"

Side effects

Wow~ been having such a busy week~

bro going back to KL tomorrow, and I wont be seeing him again till his wedding ceremony end of year.

mmhmm~

had japanese food for dinner yesterday (26th July) 

went to Sanga Japanese Restaurant.

it was.. not bad, but not as good as Tarot Salmon (at Boutique Hotel)

but it was still good enough for a japanese restaurant.

mehh~ my bro asked me what was my plan for the future.

and after telling him a bunch of random options thats been going through my mind,

he said that since my dream was always to goto Japan, i should just go for it.

I guess at some point he's right,

I shouldnt be held back by a past I can no longer see or a future that no longer exist for me.

I should just move on. & just... go for what I want.. ne?

that's it rite? that's what I'm suppose to do?

yet why do I feel so uneasy..

I feel like there's still so much I have to do before I leave.

yet I dont know what, or why, or how..

too many broken relationships and friendships lying around here.

Should they be mended before I leave, or should I completely shut my hometown out of my life completely?

cos' as everyone knows, I never liked my life here.

never had, never will. Even though I've had good experiences, the ones that sprout out the most are the bad.

I've had good days out with close friends who I hold dear before,

yet all I remember of them now are how we grew apart but not the things that made us friends in the first place.

Have I fallen to such a depth of negativity that I can no longer see the good things in life?

or have I matured and understand how to accept reality as it is?

at any rate, last time my plan was to go to Japan once I have enough money to.

My brother however, helped me planned it out to a point where
I'd be able to move and live in Japan by 2015 with a stable life.

He was always better at detailed planning than my target and go with the flow style. LOL.

But yeah, with the way things is going, I should be able to meet the target by 2015.

Is this wise though?

I need a day out with some of my close friends soon i guess.. :\

Alyn coming back next month so thats a great big plus. 

Since she's always been a direct go for your dreams type person.

She'd probably say that the Japan by 2015 plan is solid good~

while others might say I should pray for God's guidance.

mehh.. for now I'll just try my best to hit the target I guess.
I'm feeling better after conveying my feelings here.

Anyway~

Today bought 2 new shirts. Dark Maroon and Dark brown.

for my bro's wedding dinner end of year. lol

Justin Timberlake styled shirts :|

ohh~ and 2 new pairs of awesome shoes :3 mmmm~

and now I'm halfway broke.. great.. :( 

but I guess its all good~

I might need those shirts in the future anyway.

aha..

Oh well~ 

Memories Of You

------------emotional breakdown------------

我知道你是怎么想的 

但是浪费太多时间可以失去了很多机会，使和平.

我真不希望我们永远有这种差距, 

如果我现在离开了，我永远不会回来了.

但...

没关系了. 

对不起，我永远也不能修复我带给你的痛苦.. 的伤口.

我所想要的只是让你快乐.. 为了你，我愿意做任何事.

也许 我从来没有清楚地表达我的感受.

也许 我们的爱情只是一个无望的梦想

也许, 我应该怜悯你不理解我是多么爱你..

或许, 我们太认识对方, 已经知道 对方与别人 可以有更好的生..

希望 你可以找到你自己的幸福快乐.

谢谢你  给了我许多美好的纪念

.. 我再也不会讲出这段感情了.

也许在另一个平行时空里，我们是在一起的。 

(quote from: 那些年，我們一起追的女孩)

真可悲, 不是在这一个时空里..

been~

My bro came back yesterday~

He got me a new 1TB Hard disk drive~ Yay~

and also~ I got myself a new Samsung Galaxy Express.

Its sufficient enough since I dont really use my phone much anyway. hah~

So didn't do much yesterday..

Today went to Logos Hope~

The floating book fair. LOL

the ship was wayyyyy hugeeeee, and all the foreigners volunteering in there were all friendly,

It sort of made me want to join them even more

(( See, the last couple of days I was looking through all the options I have for my future, but since even I cant be certain on which way would be the best way to go, I looked into a bunch of random things and thought of the best possible outcome of each options. joining Logos was one of those choices, i mean 1 - 2 years spent travelling from country to country to help the needy and living on a ship seems pretty intense and fun in its own way))

Soo yeahhh, I dont know what to do anymore..

sigh.. life use to be soo much simpler..

How I wish I could just grab a knife and stab my heart out..

cos' seriously, some of this 'living a life' thing just isnt worth the hassle..

mehh~ anyway enough about me..

after visiting le big book fair ship~

went to catch The Wolverine at MBO. 

It was.. bittersweet really..

Well the movie was great~ ( a lil disappointed that they didnt follow the cartoon series, but mehh still good)

though one thing sorta annoyed me was how the main actress had some resemblances to my ex-gf .

Aside from that~ the movie was excellent.

The Silver Samurai (the villain) was not what i expected really.

But damn it looked cool, either that or its just cos I loveee Japanese stuff :\

mehh!

cant wait for the next x-men movie now~

cant really give a proper review on this, since I'm quite an x-men fan. LOL! so yeahh..

8/10

and that's pretty much for my day today.. yes its a short post.

But I'm just tired and there's a lot going on with my mood lately.

Signing off~

Peace and Love readers :)

---

" 如果  我还是爱着你，会改变什么吗？你会怎么办？"

当你不知道她的感受，  爱着她是最难的事。

Pacific Rim

Yesterday night~ 

went to catch Pacific Rim at the cinema with the usual group 

-1 person (he was busy dating with his gf *cough*)

Anyway! the movie was... okay.. lol 

Here's a low down on the movie~ Its a tribute to the classic Toku films japanese movies.

Ultraman and Godzilla. which is why the Kaiju (giant monsters) in this movie resembled the classic Ultraman monster and of course Godzilla.

Here you see the resemblance of the classic Ultraman Kaiju and the new Pacific Rim Kaiju.
or you can simply refer them as Granpa Kaijus and their grand childrens.

Its basically the same storyline as those classic movies/series. 

Giant monsters entering earth through a dimensional portal to destroy/reform the earth.

and the humans fight back with Giant robots.. Its like power rangers and ultraman all over again..

But with better graphics and 3D effects~

I'm not gonna hate, cos when I was young I liked the classic power ranger series. ("Power Rangers" as in the first season of the series, the ones with the dinosaur robots, not the new shitty acting power rangers they have now).

As a movie though.. Pacific Rim disappoints me. Oh sure they recreated the movie in full cool animation.. 

But when you dont classify it under 'Giant Monster' movies, you'd put it as a giant robot movie.

Which in this case, if you were to compare the movie to;  Real Steel , Transformers and/or Battleship. This movie just doesnt reach the limit set by those movies.

As a giant monster movie its good~
But that's only cos there hasn't been a good one since the King Kong remake. But overall the movie was still good enough.. I mean back in the 90s movies like Godzilla never had great storyline either. I can see that they really tried to implement a storyline into pacific rim, but it just felt soo Power Ranger -ish , that just cant help but feel sort of ripped off.

That aside, the acting is good enough.. They had Rinko Kikuchi as the main female heroine, so that's a plus. She maybe 30+ year old, but she's still a good looking actress. The male lead is, Charlie Hunman. He fitted the role of Pacific Rim's lead row really well... since the main character is a marine head. Which of course means it doesnt require much acting skill.. aha.. 

For Storyline~ the whole Transformers history is basically more reformed and well-made, compared to that of the classic Godzilla movies and of course Pacific Rim now. The storyline could've been a lot better if they included more logical stuff into it.

This was the main disappointment for me, the storyline was just not as well defined as the movie now. At the end of it all I just felt like I just came out from watching a boxing match. All that was shown was fighting. If the fighting had a good story background like Real Steel, it would've been more interesting for me.  but no, it was just pure action.. Keeping true to the Kaiju style movie, like Ultraman~ endless giants fighting each other. 

Overall I rate the movie: 7/10

Because in the end its still a 3D animated movie, even if the storyline is lacking.

For me a a movie that doesnt require the use of the brain is a downpoint, though I know some people would view it as a plus side. To each their own opinion. 

Its still a movie with great graphics, great camera angles, epic soundtrack. So what it lacks, it makes up for with good animations. aha

I have a few friends who found this movie epic though. I guess its different depending on what kind of series you watch when you were growing up. The ones that liked this movie alot i found were the Kamen Rider and Ultraman fans. So overall, I guess the movie didn't fail as much as it disappointed me.

I might have enjoyed it better if I was a Godzilla fan. 

But since I'm not.. *disappointed* 

Still check it out if you likey giant robots, giant aliens, cool animation, japanese chick or muscular hunks.

 And that's all I have to review for the movie. 

 Additional Review Link: I agree with this review~ http://morningjournal.com

Back On Track

Meow~
Hey readers~!

So, as you all know I've been quite inactive in my blog for some time now.
The reason for it was cos' college and work and my personal life was like mega hectic earlier in the year.

But since I'm finally free from all those hard work and tiring days.
I'm gonna return to my daily blogging life. nyahaha~
Starting with~ This uber long post of random happenings!

Currently, with my hiatus from doing anything productive .__.!
I've been hanging out with friends, doing artworks and watching random movies,animes and tv series!
That's what I'll be posting about here~ so without further ado lets bring on the entertainment!

ENTERTAINMENT

Game: Mstar Online

Yesterday 11th July~ Mstar Online started its Open Beta (Garena Server)! I've been playing this game on off for the past month during its Closed Beta. But now it's finally officially opened.

Mstar is a K-pop theme dance game. For now all the songs are K-pop songs and all the dance style are actual dance moves of the actual group. The graphics of the game is top-notch since the game is running on the Unreal Engine (its a 3D enhancing software). Although for now in the testing phase the game only has songs from SM artist like Girls Generation, Shinee, BoA, TVXQ, etc. But the designers are saying they'll bring more songs in the future, including japanese and english songs.

So if you're a fan of music or Kpop idols, a dance lover or a random hardcore gamer. This game is definitely worth checking out.

Official Site : http://www.mstar.garena.com/

Anime Series: Bakuman 

Genre: Romance , Drama , Slice of Life

I only finished watching this anime last week, and its soo good! 

It shows the story of a teenager and his friend who tries their best to become the top manga artist in the industry. Where the main character vowed to get married after their manga gets published as an anime series. Its a 3 Season anime, where the first season showed their middle/high school life, second season during their college/university life, and finally marriage as the season 3 finale.

Its one of those shows that gives good tear-jerking and LOL moments. And its also a good in-sight into the Japanese lifestyle, them sleepless nights working on projects and all the moments of having to make hard choices, etc. Its definitely not a kids show and not suitable for anyone who isn't mature enough to understand the show's environment, so if you're into the whole action anime like Naruto. STAY AWAY FROM THIS ANIME. 

If you're a person who loves cutesy romance drama or if you're into arts and design, check it out :)  

You can watch this and other animes on : www.onepieceofbleach.com

Its in english subtitle on that website :) 

TV Series: Falling Skies (Season 3)

Last month the series Falling Skies had their season 3 premiere, now if you never watched the first few seasons of Falling Skies. Its this interesting sci-fi series about people trying to survive and fight back an alien invasion. Its sort of like The Walking Dead series, but with an alien theme instead of zombies! Its really good, the storyline and since the series was produced by Steven Spielberg you know it's gonna be a good sci-fi with lots of head scratching moments. Anyway Falling Skies season 3 didn't disappoint, at the start of the 2 hour season premiere the show started by directly jumping into the action. But instead of writing about it, let me show you a snippet of the first few minutes of the Falling Skies season 3 episode 1.

Movie: Escape From Planet Earth

Here's a cute animated movie to check out, the story is about aliens going out on a space adventure to Earth, and got caught by the Area 51 soldiers. mehh~ Just watch the trailer.
If you haven't seen this movie. Its really quite a nice movie :)






And that is all for this week's entertainment update :D

Peace & Love Readers! ^_^

Dreadful..

So~ I've been~ doing absolutely nothing productive lately!

lol.. ahhh~ I've sorta built walls the last couple of weeks o.O

Now I feel content with myself and the people around me.

I have completely removed all lingering emotions I have towards the people around me.

and now all their complaints and rantings about their lives just bore me.

Still trying to figure out what to do now tho..

Probably have to find a job soon.

October is still a long way to go... Stupid College, only holds graduation ceremonies end of year.. pfftt..

Worse! My result isn't out yet! and its been like a month+ 

Ohhh~~ I started Japanese classes. Yay~ 

Although I've never been good in any other language other than english~

I'mma trying my best to burst out all my focus on it~~~

-focus--- focus---~ hahax~ 

wheee~ Hope I can do well in it~ 

But for now~ my To-Do List is simple,

-Find A Job-

-Keep House Clean-

Learn to Drive? maybe..? hmm.. uhh

-Learn Japanese-

aha! that's pretty much it for now~

I'm probably gonna try to apply for some scholarship once i graduate..

but for now~ this is it~

after graduation~~ going to the big city~ KL~

and then I'll either work or study, or both.

and once I get a stable lifestyle~

hopefully by the age of 28~

I'd be able to~

a - Move to Japan

b - Buy my own House

c - Make it to the top of the design corporate ladder 

Mehh~ there's only so much I can plan at this given time :\

My heart still lingers with the thought of 'when' though..

I've been soo alone the past couple of days, I'ma probably gonna go CRAZIE soonnn!

i mean.. CRAZIERRR since I'm already crazy at some point o.O

bahh~ another year, another 5, another 10? another 20 perhaps..

guess I can wait it out.. 

suddenly 21 doesnt feel that old anymore..

Actually knowing that I can probably live another 40+ years.. 

makes me feel like I should end my life now really.

I mean 21~ woo~ damn! I need to live for another 40 years on this forsaken planet?! fml~

or something like that. AHA!

"To Live Is To Strive." As much as I hate to strive. Guess I gotta try..

It sucks to have to accept reality and grow up ((ESPECIALLY when I REALLY DONT WANNA~))

hmph... oh well~

guess that's all for now.

~PEACE AND LOVE ~

~Thanks for checking out my blog, readers~

~Sorreh! it hasnt been as colorful as it used to be~

Soul Searching

Well.. its July. How fast time flies eh?
So the entire last month.. I've done nothing productive.
and I've been feeling so down, trying to figure out what to do next in my life.
Hope is an illusion that I no longer hold.
There is only good and bad decisions, nothing more nothing less.

So last night I did a bit of soul searching.
Burning down and reminiscing shattered pieces from the memories of my past.
I was inspired, but not enough.
I need more inspiration, and yet I know not where to find it.
There's this deep black hole in me that I cant seem to fill.
Its like a virus that consumes within me,
It molds me, it breaks me, its the voice that speaks to me.

But all the walk down memory lane wasn't in vain.
and a list was formed..

1. The Death Dealer
2. A Dreadful Storm
3. The Runaway Curse
4. The Vintage Dreamer
5. The Lovers' Regrets
6. A Hopeful Death
7. Lost of Sense and Direction
8. Fear of Commitment
00. The Fallen Angel

I think I've been lazing around long enough, aha.
Sucks to think that I've to step out into the world.
Ah well... :\

21...

So.. my 21st birthday..

Growing up... growing older.. I come to realize who I am.
I've met people, good people, awesome people, amazing people, friends, brothers, sisters, disciples and masters. People who've given me hopes, and people who caused utter disappointments.
People who hurt and people who heal. People who leaves and people that stays.
On the hour when I was asleep on my birthday~

I cried, for I realized as far as my memory can go back, I've never had a birthday will a full family before.
And I know I never will, perhaps someday when I have my own family I would.
At the moment of my wake,

I found my resolve. I found myself. I realize that in Life, people simply don't get happy endings.
Life just isn't going to be easy and people will always disappoint.
I've completely and utterly given up on the people around me.

A day of celebration? sure.. a celebration of my enlightenment.
To Live is to adapt~ to grow~
I've given up on hope, I've given up on dreams.
All I have is a goal..
A goal to run~ to leave this place~~
To leave it all behind~ A goal I will achieve even if I was to be the death of me.
F*ck everything and everyone.
I don't need anything or anyone. I just need to push myself towards the ending I desire.
I'm tired of being neglected, tired of being disappointed.

Everyone get disappointed... just as everyone will disappoint others.
this is the way humans are~ pure disappointments~
We disappoint God, we disappoint people, animals, country, land, sea, air~
The whole Universe are disappointed by the way we humans have lived..
So I've decided to pay no more heed to such feelings anymore.

I'm tired of feeling anymore~~
And at some point I think maybe I don't even feel anything anymore..
My heart is beating, but it feels dead..
Probably a sign that I'm growing up eh?
Probably this is the reason why, many adults dont show their emotions..
Because they no longer have any..

I'm tired of everything..
This is the end.
"Good guys dont get happy endings."
So I have to make my own ending.. and on this journey I shall make the best of it.
No matter what comes my way, I'd overcome it my way.
This is my resolve. This is the start.

Happy 21st Birthday to me!
May all my past be forgotten and start of a new age begin~ 

Return of the lost

Its been soo long since I last posted anything on here.

I always come back after a hiatus though.. my blog is my hiding place i guess.

Yesterday night I was looking back at all the artworks i designed back in 2004 to 2011

The time when I did design for my neopets
and friendster (before it turned into a gaming zone) profiles aha..

 

up to the time of secondary school when my blog was titled; Cybex's Den.

and now the college works of today.

I cant even imagine how much my artwork had evolve over the years.

How innocent I was back then..

how emotional I was over little things and how it fuel me to always become better.

the way how I use to do design of God and Christianity to fuel my faith and hope.

The way I use to believe that dreams were possible,

The way I use to believe in plans and goals and hope for an amazing future life.

The way ----

The way all that went away as years past..

The innocence faded the hope dwindled, the faith disappeared.

The moment when the dreams and visions begin to blur..

and all that's left is a plastic shell.

A shell that makes me just like everybody else..

"no no NO! I dont wanna be another plastic people in this world.

I'm unique, I'm strong, I'm better, I'm powerful.

I can rule the world with a snap of my fingers.

With God by my side I can do all things."

is what i would say a couple years back..

Now...
 I dont even view any problem in being normal or neutral..

I don't even know what happened along the way..

Did I grew up? or did I just lost myself?

Was it due to an event that I fell into this zone?

or has it been happening slowly everytime i pushed people away?

Is this fate? destiny? or just reality.

I cant comprehend anymore,

all I wish is the innocence of the past,

the simple, no worries past..

where my mind and were free

free to love. to learn. anything and everything.

without having it being corrupt or end in pain.

What has happen to the world I was born in?
What happen to all the people, 
who use to blog about their lives with their links on my blog.
What happen to msn, 
with all my online friends who taught me everything about design.

What happen to the world today..
that all I ever knew has disappeared.

What happen to the love of art and music.
Sighhhh~

How did the sounds of Rain, BoA, DBSK can now corrupted by synthesized voices in modern Kpop.

How did the Boybands of the past die out and all we have left now are singing children.

How did Popstars that promote trends, beauty and sexuality became modern satanist.

How did the beautiful art of words and love novels now be cursed with stories about office sex.

No seriously, 

The world is plundering into chaos every passing second..

and it's just depressing how the world is now filled with;
Racism, Corruption, Greed, Hate, War, Pain, Misery, Pride...

I'm tired of it all.. I wanna turn back time..

Take me back back back to the way it was..

Let me be the way I once was..

Love the way I did.

Creative the way I was.

and take me away from this hole..

because.. I simply cant relate to this place any longer...

I just.. want a friend who'd understand these feelings I do :\

and now I'm rambling again.. ahah

oh well.. that's all for now..

*~*~Peace & Love readers!~*~*

Light your own path

Words for you I'd never say.

Care towards you, you'd never know.

Love for you, you'd will never understand.

Reasons to give and the reasons to hold.

Hopes forgotten, by the dwindling faith of the soul.

Forward you go or backward you slide.

Stuck in this hole of self pity will be your demise.

Fear of emotions and fear of the world.
Will bind you to this forever my dear.

So why wont you step out before it's too late,

All you have to do is follow the light.

And it will lead you to a place where everything'll be alright.

Fragments of darkness

I seem to have found myself losing fragments of time..

Alas its the final week before the end of February.

It's as if the time flew by without me noticing.

I spent the CNY at my bro's new house, which was interesting to say the least.

But as usual being 11years of age apart makes my conversation with him feels stale..

I guess we just have different way of thinking, different way of life.

That aside, I quit-ed my semi-part-time-job..

due to having to start my internship in another company next month.

oh well, at least I received a bonus. aha!

I guess there isn't much for me to say really..

I've just been dragging on my life day by day,

and at this point in life, I'm stuck wondering what i'm doing..

and is the future I'm aiming for, the right future?

will it be fruitful? and would I be able to stick to it till the end without falter?

I'm losing time but there just isn't anything for me to put down..

Life has slowly becoming dull to me as I reach into the dark veil of adulthood.

It's the year I'll turn 21.. :\

- The Engulfing Darkness-

No.. I do not wish to grow old.

Not now.. I wanna be young,
I wanna be free, I wanna be eternal.

This world, I feel is not the world I've hoped to be in..

It has lost it's spark, it's marvel, it's reason to exist..

All the mysteries and wonders of the past are lost in a time long gone..

The future is now, the future is near..

and I dread it so..

Technology's advancement would ultimately be the end of the human race.

And as much as I know I would be part of the advancement..

I do not wish to be so..

I wish to live in a time.. a simpler time..
where all people wanted to do was to survive..

Not a materialized world where people no longer value life..

Not a world where people dont even have the decency or intellect to understand;

that once you're dead..
none of these material things and technology is gonna save you nor go with you into the afterlife.

The world now is no longer shrouded in darkness..

The world has already taken the darkness within them..

It's a time when people embrace the dark, the pain, the suffering..

A time when rebellions and physical war has no limits nor meaning.

Death would be at a rise and people just wont care..

A selfish world where everyone believe their own cause to be righteous..

A world engulfed in darkness, with no savior..

This is the future.. I'm imagined it, I've dreamed it.. I've seen it.

It is inevitable.. unavoidable..

and I am forced to play my part in it..

Oh to be able to see the ending days of the human species..

It's breathtaking.. and oh so.. depressing..

It's a future I do not wish to face..

I'd rather be living the dark ages of knights and crusades..

a time when people can actually choose their own sins.. their own fates.

and not be condemned along with the entire planet.

or in the time of 1800-1900s,

when the darkness was but in the emotions and dreaded souls of writers and poets.

And wars that shape the countries and nations to build the world we have today..

All those people in the past shaped the world into it's perfect state..

and all our generation does is condemned it and destroyed it..

with technology and greed..

It is clear that the darkness that was once unseen..
has made it's way to the souls of our race..

and now to the hearts and spirit of the world..

There's no longer any hope..

and I'm just forced to drag my life on.

on and on it goes...

and when the it stops.. everything stops..

I'll just have to make it on my own..

and hope the world sees it's error before its too late..

I'll end my rambling with the Sith Empire (star wars) teachings..

"Peace is a lie. There is only Passion.

Through Passion, I gain Strength.

Through Strength, I gain Power.

Through Power, I gain Victory.

And through Victory, My chains are broken."

I will defeat this dark demon.

even if the world is condemned for their sins.

I will arise victorious against this dark times.

Liar Liar

I love this song~ and it resembles all the things i wanna say.. aha

You go it all, go it all down
Down to a science
Breakin hearts is what you do for fun,
Little one

But see,
I wrote it all down, wrote it all down in a song
I'll break you're heart in just three minutes now
Look who won

Yeah, i'm moving on
But that's the way it goes
When you break my heart
Everybody knows
Don't pull that shit again,

For me now, but i'm building up
I can see that i've had enough of you
I'm finally through

And all I see in you
Is another mistake over my shoulder
Now I see who you are
All I saw in you
Was a girl just lookin for love
Now all I need is an apology,
Is that too much?

Everybody's talkin about how you're not the girl
That you say you are
With that deceiving little smile
And your black hole of denial
I'm not the least bit surprised
That your whole wide world
Is crashing down right before my eyes

And all I see in you
Is another mistake over my shoulder
Now I see who you are
All I saw in you
Was a girl just lookin for love
Now all I need is an apology,

And all I see in you
Is another mistake over my shoulder
Now I see who you are
All I saw in you
Was a girl just lookin for love
Now all I need is an apology,
Is that too much?!

Disappointing..

"In the hearts of the blind, something you'll never find is a vision of light."


So.. again I haven't been blogging in a while.. ahaha but I always come back..

This place of solace & solitude.
Behind every word is a story that no one can comprehend.
I haven't done anything productive in a while now.
I'm going to start my internship in March..
Then i'd be free and awaiting graduation.
so now.. i'm just gonna start rambling about life.



----------------Part1----------------

I hate how fast time flies,
I wanna go back, way back in time to a time where life isn't soo complicated.
But alas, such wishes are impossible within this world's reality... or is it?

In the end,
all I have left is this wanting, this.. desire.
I want to be someone new, I want to meet someone new, I want to goto a secret place, I want to have adventure and excitement, I want to die and be born again, I WANT a reset button for my life.

It's funny how as we grow we learn, but what we learn would never be applicable again.
Like if we did something that hurt us and we learned how to overcome it, it never happens again.
Because our self-conscious is having us never to enter such situations again.
What then are these experiences for?

To be perfectly honest, I don't even know what is there to live for?
or what anyone is living for. Or the whole point of being alive at all.
Everyone in the world is always looking for the divine meaning of their lives.
Is there a meaning? is there an answer?
I doubt it.

Religion? friends? career? achievements? goals?
what does any of this adds up to in the end?
Death. There is only death at the end.

What's the point of living?
The journey itself is the point of living, to experience all forms of highs and lows.
All the pain and suffering and the joyous moments.

Is that it? is that all? just for the mere experience of being alive?
I thought they'd be more.. there has to be more..

But there doesn't seem to be anymore,
This seems to be all life is... just an experience.


Personally, I feel that living a life, not worth it at all..
& what's worse is that half the people living in this world are making life even less worth living for.
Oh how the mighty has fallen. People grow weaker & darker each passing day.

What hope is there left in the human race?
If this is how life is gonna be, then its all it'll ever be...
It is what humans make it to be... life is a disappointment..

I guess it's time for me to stop lazing and questioning such meaningless questions.
And just put myself out there and burst into the crowd with new ideas and confidence..
ahaha probably not... no not me..

I'll just continue to observe and see how these people around me choose to live for now.
It's often entertaining to see how people make choices and meet the consequences of their actions.

As it is entertaining to know that they'll all regret it one day,
and they'll start realizing that life could have been better if they'd known how to lived it properly.



----------------Part2----------------

Tortured minds, tortured bodies, tortured souls.. that's all that's left of humans.

It would appear that I've found my own form of enlightenment..
Not in light nor in darkness but in knowledge and understanding.
aha... but perhaps not everyone would view my thoughts as such..


I truly wonder.. Will there ever be anything that'd excite me in my life..?
& Oh how I hope I live to see this world evolve..

Aliens? Zombies? Demons? Angels?
Robots? Solar Flares? Ragnarok? Apocalypse? Armageddon?

The end of the world...?

Aha.. I think it's in everyone's minds to believe that the end will come.
As life is just soo meaningless to be lived now..
All that's left in the minds of men is death of the world..
The more they believed, the higher chance it is of it become reality..

Like how Black Magic works with believes of the souls and minds..
Like how Chi is a believe and mindset of the monks & martial artists that channels it in their souls..
Like how believers cry in the intense atmosphere of a holy ground.
Like how with just a focus of the mind a person can bend spoons and forks.
The human mind & soul is the power beyond this world..
The gateway to an alternate reality.

Oh.. how did human race ended up using their minds to create meaningless things.
and believe in the end of life, out of all things..
Too bad... it's soo sad...
Just how low has the human race gotten within the last few hundred years?
If any of the people from the 18th - 19th century were to see us now..
They'd be looking at us with such disgust..

Humans discovered fire within the early stages of the world..
To look back and think that, the people of the past created..

Fire - Light - Electricity - Communication - Travel - Weapons - and all forms of technology..
To the point where.. all we're doing now is creating new versions of old things?

Oh gawd! how corrupted are the minds of humans now..
How can the human race that once took on the impossibility of this world and make it reality.
Come to being.. an update of softwares and phones?
Why is there no teleportation, no power suits, no cure for cancer..?
is there no longer any creativity left in the minds of men?
is this how the world is to end?

It'd be tragic..
truly tragic for the world to end at the time when the human race are at their lowest form.
In my eyes, i see.. how the world.. society and the evil hearts of the human race,
has completely and utterly destroyed and removed any hope of evolution in themselves.

There's nothing left... nothing left in anyone of us..
How cruel a fate it is.. for me to have been born in a time when my beliefs and creativity would not be recognized nor understood by my peers...

Sickening it is....
dreadfully sickening..