I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly..

my theme song for leaving: Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

"Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love."

It's nearing the time for me to leave.

It's been a fun ride~ ahahaha wait.. that sounds like a death speech.

But really though,

loads have happened recently really.

I've been hanging out with friends in and out..

Rekindled old friendships, Reinforced newer friendships.

and let go of the painful and regrettable ones.

"Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here, so I prayed I could breakaway."

 ((Gives of the past))

 ((Gives of the present))

Things that convey a feeling of acceptance.

But still it's time for me to go, and I wont regret my decision.

This time I'll show you all, I'm better off, I'm stronger now.

I'll breakthrough this life with my own strength.

Cos' its time for me to fly, and with these wings I'll ride through the winds and clouds.

Soaring to the height where angels reside. I'll chase my dream till the end of time.

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, though it's not easy to tell you goodbye.
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway~"



============================================

No Fears. No Regrets. No Hesitations.

============================================

Freed

It's been awhile since my last post.

With my decisions made for leaving my hometown, I'm both excited and frightened.

To be able to leave this place is a blessing on its own.

But a saddening feeling has started to creep up to me these past few days.

To leave behind some of my closest friends may be harder than I expected.

Last week 06/06 was my birthday.

I was able to call out a gathering between my closest friends;

including XY, my bestie from high school.

To be able to meet her after such a long period of no-contact.

I definitely felt blissful to be able to see her again.

That feeling you get, when you haven't seen your best friend in a long long time,

but still are able to talk like nothing's changed.. That Feeling is Amazing. 

Words cant even begin to express my gratefulness of having someone like her in my life.

For a long time, I was lost as I wasn't sure what I wanted out of life, 

as if I'm a walking corpse forced to live my life in dread.
then I made this random decision that I want to leave.
to fully leave behind all these 

But that day, on my 22nd b-day.

I got to spend my dinner time with;

Feng : my gaming/hobby/anime buddy, whose always supportive.

Ric : the simple guy who's always been a great listener.

XY : my bf ever since high school, our friendship was never simple but all the complications often seem to disappear when we meet up or talked. It's just one of those miraculous thing that happens when you find that one person you can fully open up to.

& Amelia : Eric's sister whom, I do not know very well, but is a kind-hearted soul. and at most times very similar to her lil brother :)

Twas a small but precious gathering~ 

we had a nice dinner at 'Oishi', although it wasn't the besttt Japanese food ever, it was good enough. Aha.

Shared a chocolate cheesecake with everybody, and went on to have milk tea as we chatted about random stuff for what seems like a long time.

It was simple but it was precious. A memory I would cherish for a very long time.

Similarly, today went out with them for a romantic comedy movie "Blended",

A fun and funny movie that had everybody laughing.

A long time ago, I've tried my best to avoid romance flicks. 'cos it often reminded me of the past,

and more often, pokes the wounds on my heart everytime a lovey dovey part appears.

For a long time that feeling of loneliness had haunted me. 

But today, it would appear that I've overcame it, to have my friends beside me is truly a blessing.

Although it pains me to leave them here while I'm going away for further studies.

And there's a high probability that I may never come back.

I'm grateful to those who are here with me now. 

The ones I leave behind. The ones I'll never forget. The ones I'll come back for.

To be able to hangout with XY made me happy, but not only because it's been a long time,

But also because I got to see how strong she's become. 

To see her purest smile and sweetest laugh and weirdest responses~

It shows how much she've grown over the years. & I'm happy for her. 

Which is why although it saddens me to have to leave the company of such great people.

I'm honored to be considered the friends / close-friends / best-friends.

And I believe there's more this world could offer me. 

More than this. more than everything I have now.

It is not lust or greed that I sought to leave and find something more or greater.

But because of faith, Faith and Hope that allows me to dream;

to believe that I can do more, be more..

to believe that if I stumble and fall and crumble to pieces, that I might find comfort in these people whom I truly adore.

to believe that there's far greater things to come for me, and for them..

to believe that not time nor distance can break our bonds.

and to know that...

I love all my friends, truly i do.

I also love all my enemies, ex-s, haters and acquaintances.

For each individual that I've met in my life, has brought me to be who/what I am today.

I can finally say, that I'm free and I shall soar the skies.. where I'm meant to be.

And with all my heart I pray & hope that these bonds I've made,
would survive the passage of time and remain eternally beautiful.

鍵

I'll be leaving this place in a month or so..

I might still come back during breaks and holidays.

but I'm unsure, can't say I'd miss this place. 

There's too many memories here that I'd be happier if I can forget.

And although I'd be going to a new place alone..

It feels kinda refreshing to have a new start.

Sure the new location may not be what I'd wish it to be,

In fact the people there might be worse than the people here.

But ultimately, with the experienced I've gained in my life here,

I'm sure I'd be perfectly fine there aswell. 

I wish things could be different, really I do.. I have my regrets. 

But unless I'm willing to put myself down in harms way again and put out 100% of myself, 

I wouldn't be able to fix my life here.

Its too late for me, I've risen and fallen too much here..

My life stains this place like blood to a bed sheet,

It'll never fully disappear, the pain.. the loneliness.. these memories.

So, in the end my choice is simply to run..

Hopefully, sooner or later I'd find a place to call my own, a place to make myself a home.

But till that day comes, all I can do is run.

Seems silly doesn't it? To run from one's own past..

and yet.. Its what I've chosen to do..

to search for.. to find ... a reset button to this pitiful life of mine..

Perhaps I'm just too broken to try anything else.

Too scared.. too cowardly to face my life in the face..

Maybe that's why I have such... unrealistic beliefs and dreams..

But really in the end..

I'm just too tired of facing life alone.. 

and all I want to do is find someone to face the world with..

someone who'd understand that I may not be a 100% but if trusted, 

I'd do everything in my power to be with her. Regardless of anything the world throws at me..

However.. along the years of my life. I seem to have lost of faith in the world.

I don't see how this world could even harbor such a pure soul anymore.

No matter.. I'm leaving soon.. and I'm glad.

I'm gonna start putting my hope back in my life..

Hopefully it would not end horribly.
And maybe, just maybe. I'd be able to put myself back together again..

//If these paper stars could grant me just one wish//

//I'd wish to restart my life properly and be with you once again, love of my life.//

Personal Bible Study : The Perfect Creation (Genesis 1)

//This is just my own personal take on the bible, this post is but a work of my imagination, so I would appreciate it, if you don't start a religious war, just because my statements do not correspond with your beliefs//

Very often we, as people look down on our own existence too much.

In this post I will talk about the first chapter in the bible.
Within it is stated how the world was first created, as well as the purpose of our life.

This is the chapter that tells you
You are the final most beautifully, perfectly and wonderfully creation God has ever made.
and the title of this religious rant or article of mine~ is called.

The Perfect Creation

1. The First Day: The Void / The Creation

For the first point of this post, I'm gonna talk about the first 5 verses of The Genesis. 

Which was also the first day of the earth.

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 Genesis 1:1 - 5 

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty,darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “Day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. 

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When the world was first created, the only and sure thing that was there was complete emptiness.

Just as you were first a fetus in your mother's womb, you were formless, empty and within darkness.
Slowly as you were formed, and born. The first thing you see is the Light of day.

"God said; Let there be light, and there was light. God saw that the light was good."

When an infant is born, they often come out crying.
We're told it was the fear of entering the world that caused the baby's tears.
But what if I were to tell you, that the baby is actually crying from the happiness to see Light?
The beauty of the first Good thing God has made, the Light.
Would you believe me? It is said that When a baby is born, it has all the brain cells still intact
and as we grow older, our brain cells starts to deteriorate. If so, is it not only relevant that the baby's first cry would be from Joy and not Fear?

Very often, when one is surrounded by darkness and feeling of depression.
The tears of pain and sorrow starts to flow.
It is after the acceptance of the pain, that a person truly grows when he is finally able to seek the joy of the Light.

2. The Second Day: The Seas / The Teachings

On the second day, God separated the seas and the sky.

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 Genesis 1:6 - 8 

And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so. God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

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On the second day, God separated the waters from water. And created the sky and the seas.
Within the bible it is often stated that God will help you through every storm and raging seas.
The reason is because he created it, and like all things He create, He has control over it.
Just as a baby grows up to become a toddler, He/She would have to go with the flow of the world.
Like the ever moving seas, he is brought forth to learn anything and everything around him.

As I said, this doesn't apply simply to them,
as people we'll often face storms and seas in life that would make us grow and learn evermore.

3. The Third Day: The Land/ The Path

On the Third day, God created the earth and the seeds.

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 Genesis 1:9 - 13 

And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
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Within the bible, we are also very often taught we reap what we sow.
Here's the theory of it. The first thing God did on the Third day,
was separate the seas into groups to form Land.
This land, is the path God has created for the child whose grown up to become a teenager.
It is the most decisive point on the child's life where he/she is given the chance to choose the path God as set for them. It is also in this time, that seeds begin to get planted within his/her life.

This is the land that God has prepared for you and the seeds and trees planted for your future.
Within the land lies not only beauty, dreams, visions. but it also houses temptation and dead-end paths.
It is often unknown if the choices we choose in life are correct or not, unknown if the seeds we plant would yield good fruits or poison.
That is the most important part of a person's life. It is the time when God opens the land for the child the freedom to choose. But if it is the path God set for you that you are looking for, than you must first seek God.




4. The Fourth Day: The Stars / The Growth

On the Forth day, God created the date; the sun, the moon and the stars.

----------------------------------------

 Genesis 1:13 - 19 

And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. God made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
----------------------------------------

God created the Sun and the Moon. In the previous points, seeds were planted but to make them grow requires the Sunlight.
Similar to the beliefs of the olden days. The Sun can be associated to a father, a person who comes during the day and gives you whatever you require. The Moon whose rays are given to her by the Sun can be associated to a mother, the loving heart of the child even when the whole world is engulfed in darkness. And the stars are the family members.

As God told Abraham in Genesis 15:5
He took him outside and said, "Look up at the sky and count the stars--if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

Those stars are your family member that are always there, far yet forever visible.
These are the ones that grows that seeds of your life. Whether good or bad, it is the Sun, the Moon and the Stars that give way to your life as well as light your way to the future.

The Sun and Moon can refer to anyone closest to you, not needing to be a parent, it can be a best friend that have led you through all the hardships of life. The ones that helps you grow the seeds sowed in your life.

5. The Fifth Day: The Birds / The Dreams 

On the Fifth day, God created birds to fill the skies.

----------------------------------------

 Genesis 1:20-23 

And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
----------------------------------------

These little creatures that God has created and place in your life, are the ones that soar the skies like birds, like the people around you who you admire and adore, to the idols and stars you see on TV or the people you read in magazines, they're the ones that you wish ever so much to chase after, to admire, to become or to surpass.

In reality, seeds and pollen are often not planted/carried by people but by animals namely birds. Similarly these are the seeds of purpose in your life, to ever grow in number and maybe one day bear fruits of your destiny.

6. The Sixth Day: The Final Creation

6A - The Bonds

On the Sixth day, God created the animals and finally Man.
----------------------------------------

 Genesis 1:24-25 

And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

----------------------------------------

These creatures of the earth God created represents the people in your life.
Similar to how the birds spread seeds in your life, as do the animals. But to each according to their kinds.
As we grow up in life, we often meet not only friends who help us grow and prosper.
but enemies as well. Like the predators of the earth, these fearsome creatures who come to destroy your life. Are indeed created for that purpose, to break you so that you may become stronger.

 6B - The Perfect Creation

----------------------------------------

 Genesis 1:26 - 31 

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them;  male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

----------------------------------------
Finally at near the end of the sixth day God created man in his image and likeness.
I tell you this now, that WE were created as the final most perfect creation of God.
As we were born out of a mother's womb, just as the world was first born outside of nothing to experience the light. God separated the waters to form the sky and seas and created land.

 Genesis 2:7 
Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

 We were created from the land itself. Molded out of dust and dirt, and whatsmore approximately 60% of our body is water. That is about as much water we have on earth divided by the land. Is it not clear, that we are indeed the greatest creation God has made? For us to be the sun, the moon, the sky, stars, the land the seeds that grow and the animals that live.

We are the embodiment and the final creation of God, consisting of all the works he did in the past 5 days.

It is also on this sixth day, that God gave us the purpose of our lives to rule the world, its food, its creatures and everything within it. In this entire chapter, the very first page of the bible. It's not simply just telling you of the creation of man, but the growth as well. From darkness to light, created from water and land, we are as bright as the sun, we can soar like eagles and still live life the way God has created us to live.

Our purpose in life was given to us the moment we were born into this world.

Who are you to say that you are unimportant?
When you are the single most perfect creation on this planet.

Who are you to say that you are lost?
When the land you are on and the seas you face are all part of your life to make you grow and prosper.

You are created with a Godly purpose, you need only seek it.
As the final creation of God, we are given the power to live this life he has given us.
We were born out of nothing, but we were given everything.
Oh Perfect Creation, Don't Take Your Life For Granted.
You were born for a purpose. It just depends if you want to live for that purpose or not.

Seemingly... frustrated

Artist block!

( artwork by: Beth Harvey)

It would seem that I feel into a hole I can't escape :\

Artist block; when all your ideas just don't wanna come out~

I have the idea, the concept..

A hero fallen, a villain rises, a country divided, a revolution evolving, a world broken.

A beginning that lets 'The Character' say;

"I'm sorry, but this is my story."

And yet these shards of ideas, I can't seem to piece the ideas together..

The illustration is on the tip of my mind, but it doesn't wanna come out.

Arghh the frustration...

Though, I should be being busy with a lot of other stuff that stressing about my own personal art work..

But to be honest, I can't seem to get myself to do anything lately.

Life's been too confusing. Which leads me back to~~ art! & wouldn't you know it.

Just when I needed it most, no ideas come to me..

Just utter frustration and confusion.

Why can't life be easier. or perhaps i should ask... why can't I lead a simpler life :\

hmm... and who am I to take up your time to read my random rantings about life and art~

Then again~ this is my Blog and I can write whatever I please! yay~

And upside! There's CG special gathering tomorrow.

... unsure if that's really an upside though o.O

Considering how anti-social i'm feeling these few days.. pfft...

Okayy~ 'nuff said, 'nuff ranting
~Nothing special happened today~

So I bid you, my little readers, a happy day ahead/tomorrow.



//P.S; "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

A Future Uncertain

“Regardless of your faith, you can never escape uncertainty.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I received a call from my college a few days back, telling me that if I wanted to continue pursuing my studies there's an intake in July for the Creative Multimedia Degree in West Malaysia. It is as though the path just randomly opened up to me.Yet I'm unsure if I should pursue this path. I mean sure if I go now, i'd graduate at 24 and if I'd still decide to go for Theology afterwards , I'd probably be around 26. But really though I'm unsure of what to pursue.

A long time ago, all I wanted was a simple life.
Have a job - a lover - a house - marriage - kids - simple life.

But it would appear that... life has caused me much heartache.. To a point where I no longer wish for a simple life.. or any reason to simply to just be living.

I thirst for more.. I'm tired of these mundane things everyone pursues. It makes everyone seems too similar, too alike, too normal, too human.. So I think ultimately for this uncertainty I might just go with the flow of it. And see where this wind takes me.

To be honest. I don't know what I want anymore.

Well, not really. There's many things I want, but I don't know which to choose.

And if choices would allow me, I might consider giving my life to you once more.

But alas that's but a distant dream for another me in a parallel world.

But what of this world and this life.

What kind of life should I lead? what kind of history should I leave behind?

The uncertainty is housing doubts within me...

Oh how I wish there was someone I can confide my feelings to...

I miss you, but I can't stay still anymore.

The one thing you've taught me is to face life with all I have.

To have loved you, to have lost you.

I finally feel like I can let go now, to finally take on a life-changing decision.

Wherever the paths of life takes me, my destination shall never change.

Regardless of how much time I'd waste or how much mistakes I'd make.

Or however late I am to reach that place. I will reach it.

For that is my resolve. 

It is the only certain thing in my life of uncertainties.

------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I had a J-Drama marathon completely watching,

The Hours of My Life (Boku no Ita Jikan/僕のいた時間)

It is a Drama series about a college leaver who just found out he had ALS(amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)

//For people who don't know, ALS is the disease that Stephen Hawking had. It is a sickness where a person slowly loses functionality of their body, basically the muscles slowly get paralyze part by part, bit by bit. It affects shoulders, hands, arms, fingers, legs, feet, limbs, and basically works up to the respiratory organs of which would require the patient to be put on Ventilator to help them breathe (which would disable their ability to speak/eat normally) Its basically a horrible disease of which still has no easy way to determine, no known causes, no cure nor treatment.//

Anyway, in the 11-episode drama, the main character had to start working after graduating college. When he slowly finds out of his disease which completely changed his course in life. As he knows he is unable to fully enjoy life now. And the worse part was that it was during the main turning point of life. The time when he was suppose to figure out his future.. He found out that he could not have a normal future at all.

Its a very heartwarming and heartbreaking drama that really touched my heart.

And it reminded me of someone. Someone close who i dearly miss, whom passed away due to cancer.

It was because of this that I decided to allow myself to let my life take whichever course it will lead me,

because there is no certainty in life. The best way to counteract this is to simply have faith to face whatever comes my way. It reminded me of something our mutual friend told me when she passed, "to live" she said. To live on for myself and for her. I was reminded of this when I was watching the final Episode of the drama, where the phrase "Your body is not just yours." which was actually expressing that, your life is not your own but also part of everyone else's who have a part in it.

I love the drama and how I could relate to all the emotions felt within it...

It definitely gave me the angle I needed to go through my current state of life.

Present and Future

"In order to find yourself, you need to get lost in the forest of life." - Mike Dolan

The last couple of months has been a rather roller coaster ride for me.

I'm currently jobless and looking for a uni to enroll to.

and yet at the same time, i'm not sure if that's what I should really be doing.

I'm not even sure what course to take if I were to enroll into a uni.

and a part of me is just so tired of life itself.

I am/was at a lost a complete lost...

yet, in the past couple of weeks I was found.

I rededicate my life.. though no fully (yet) to my spiritual life.

trying to be more active in church... sort of. 

I transferred myself to another cell group,

because I know that if I don't take the step, I probably never will.

------------------------------------------------------------------

So today I went up jungle tracking with the group and other church mates.

I'm not an outdoorsy person, so it was kinda sorta tiring for me.

especially THAT early in the morning. ahahaha

and the sun was freakin hot..

but complains aside, seeing how the youth groups were so energetic in there was entertaining.

and I know that at some point my mum likes nature walks really.

I think that's also part of the reason I decided to go,

since I personally dont like things like this, so I'd probably never bring mum there.

And if I were to leave Kuching and never come back.

I'd probably never get the chance to goto stuff like this ever again.

Still she had fun, so that's good. Especially since she was practically hanging out with strangers.

So I'm grateful for that part of the trip.

I got to spend time with ALPHA cellgroup, although it seems rather awkward for me still.

I just don't like socializing, never did. But maybe someday I will?

Perhaps... maybe.. I still don't know much about them.

(props to my CGL for the photo)

At any rate, the trip~

had to wake up at 7 just to get ready to meet up with the mates at 101.

Then went all the way up to Bau, for the jungle tracking which lasted about 2 hours.

Afterwards went down to Wind cave,
and then to lunch at a food court near Tasik Biru *translates: Blue Lake.

Last destination was the lake itself.

Where we all gathered talked and hanged out for a while before heading back home.

It was a rather... eventful day. Even though I really am not the type of person to really enjoy outings like this..

It was fun, and seeing how much *someone* has become such a great leader kinda left me in awe.

Like how my (possibly) bad decision in the past, could leave such a big gap between the differences and level on the both of us.

At some point, it made me wanna do more,

to get back on the same level as her, or perhaps even surpass her.

When I was in form4 I had a dream to study Theology, I never told anyone this except my closest friend.

But after awhile, after i got into a serious relationship that deeply broke me at the end.

I was left broken for a longgg time, that which I felt without the need to live my life anymore.

I'm still broken, and the scars on my heart will never heal.
I should've known better than to love soo deeply.
or at least I should've been more stable back then... whatever the case though.

These scars are perhaps the ones that'd take me through the times ahead.

Which is why, I've decided to devote myself to church more... slowly aha.

and eventually if God wills it, head for the desire i once had to enter theology.

Personally, I've always had a desire to change the world.

To bring about a revolution, but seeing the world today.

The demotivated people around me, the lack of reason in the society around me.

I feel that there's no real way for me to change the world if I was just part of the society.

Even leaders now do not have authority within their own country.

It is truly a saddening sight to know that, the world is breaking.
And there's no real way to unite it.

Even if war were to happen, it would not bring about an economic race that came like after WW2.

for if there was a war now, it'd completely destroy the world and everyone within it.

At a political standpoint, there's no longer a way to save the world or its people from their ways.

Even at a marketplace/economical standpoint the world is dying.

Technology standpoint, there's no longer anything people can create that can fix the world only to destroy it more.

So all that's left is a religious standpoint.

Perhaps if my desire was strong enough I'd be able to change the world from this point,
even if just as a small part.

Why do I want to change the world in the first place?

I always liked the thought of a revolutionary change. As I believe that the world would be stronger united under one rule, rather than hundreds. Indeed Conquerors of the past have tried to rule the world, but their vision were flawed as their greed and wrath clouded their overall judgement.

I believe that, the world should be made equal. But not in the form of communism, but rather similar to the Earth of Star Trek, in that trilogy/series. People have advanced to a point where money no longer exist and people just do what they do for the sake of serving their planet. Similarly I think that people should embrace teachings like that. A place where greed no longer exist can really boost a world's overall performance.

And if in a religious view, how good it would be if everyone on the earth went back to God. Living under the One way that we were meant to live? Would that not be... a more fulfilling life than the routine we've fixated ourselves to?

But alas, my future is still unclear to me. A vivid desire, does not equal the weight of living it out.

I'm still ultimately unsure of what to do.

A cross to bear, but which to choose?

A future unknown. But by God I know eventually I'll make it through.